How far to compromise your values for love and freindship

Real friends don't ask you to compromise your integrity to stay your friend. If they do, they aren't worth keeping as friends. However, it doesn't hurt to tell a white lie now and then to keep someone from getting their feelings hurt. Everybody does that and everybody should.

As far as expecting you to think like they do, if they really value you as a person they won't do that. If they demand you think like them to stay friendly, they can go to hell.

Chrissy wrote:How do you feel about "holding your feelings inside on certain subjects if you know it is something another you care for would get upset at?

How about defending wrongs? Or even trying to use a little white lie or twist something so it goes in the favor of someone you care about?

How far is it ok to compromise our true inner thoughts and ideas for another person when you really care about this person?

I would enjoy a honest non argumentive discussion on this topic f we could. I struggle with this topic.

Thanks

I still go with my original post.  Friends do not always agree on certain subjects and when you know how the discussion is going to end, don' t go there.  If you value the friendship avoid the controversial topic(s) whenever possible. Remember,  debates are not conversations.


Politics is a prime example, people have different views and to rehash the same shit is pointless. .... recognize the stalemate and move on. Find something fun and  pleasant to talk about...politics doesn't fit the fun and pleasant category at all.

BTW...you don't want to be " that" person people tend to avoid or hurry away from because you can only discuss one thing.

TEOTWAWKI wrote:

Nekochan wrote:What if someone you love is doing something that doesn't hurt anyone but that you disapprove of?

We covered masturbating last week...

Who disapproves of masturbating?

Slicef18 wrote:

Markle wrote:Two of my closest, oldest friends are...choke...Progressives.  We simply avoid the topic of politics.  My wife reigns me in if I start to get a little carried away at dinners or other gatherings.

I have always been curious how James Carville and Mary Matalin make it work.  They are about as opposite as two people can be on the political spectrum, were married in 1993 and have two daughters.  They left Virginia a few years ago and now live in New Orleans.

When it comes to difficult topics the first question to ask self is, "Does this person need to know or is the desire to discuss for self. Also, timing is very important when discussing a delicate subject. Meal time is a poor time for emotion laden topics. The other person is left with a double dose of discomfort. First they receive energy laden information. Second, their food sets in the pit of their stomach like a lead gob.

Excellent, simply excellent.

When I was a tyke living in Chicago we were part of a large ethnic group of friends. All four of my grandparents LEGALLY immigrated to this country.

The fall, winter and early spring were the PARTY SEASON. One every weekend, frequently two or three. Most were full sit down dinners. After the toasts, each accompanied by a shot of traditional liquor. The parties got louder and louder and sometimes turned to politics and religion.

One particularly loud party started to get a bit contentious. It was at my grandparents apartment who owned the building where two of his kids and their families also lived.

My mothers father was a big, tall self made man at the head of the table. My grandmother came from the kitchen into the dinning room with a big pot and a huge wooden spoon. All 5' of her...maybe. She pulled out a chair, climbed up on it and started banging the pot with the spoon. The sound instantly quieted the room of about 30 people. She then announced, in her heavy accent that there would no longer be any discussions of politics or religion in HER house. She climbed down and went back into the kitchen. No one said a word for about five minutes although it seemed longer. Much quieter and civil ever after.

Joanimaroni wrote:

Chrissy wrote:How do you feel about "holding your feelings inside on certain subjects if you know it is something another you care for would get upset at?

How about defending wrongs? Or even trying to use a little white lie or twist something so it goes in the favor of someone you care about?

How far is it ok to compromise our true inner thoughts and ideas for another person when you really care about this person?

I would enjoy a honest non argumentive discussion on this topic f we could. I struggle with this topic.

Thanks

I still go with my original post.  Friends do not always agree on certain subjects and when you know how the discussion is going to end, don' t go there.  If you value the friendship avoid the controversial topic(s) whenever possible. Remember,  debates are not conversations.


Politics is a prime example, people have different views and to rehash the same shit is pointless. .... recognize the stalemate and move on. Find something fun and  pleasant to talk about...politics doesn't fit the fun and pleasant category at all.

BTW...you don't want to be " that" person people tend to avoid or hurry away from because you can only discuss one thing.

This really isn't about politics or anyone here fyi

its about how far down the line do you hold your comments on something.

Its about not speaking out all the time just to save the peace. I really feel that a person can have this type of behavior all the time and end up feeling like they are taken advantage of when really no one ever knew the true feelings inside because they were hidden for the sake of peace.

so while that person may actually be taken advantage of, they have allowed it in a way.

as far as debating, I personally do think debating is a form of conversation. Some of the most vigorous conversations ever had on the back porch at my house was all of us debating some issue.

I've never been one to hold my opinion down with my close friends and relatives. In public I am slightly introverted. Part of what I am noticing about myself is that the older I get, the more I am willing to just say fuck it to myself and keep my mouth shut. Then it eats at me.

am I the only one who this has ever happened to or just the first one to notice it lol

I think you can what your opinions are if you say it w/ diplomacy. You're problem is you don't know how to do that. You start getting nasty and fail to accept other people's point of view, if you don't agree.

A lot of that for all of us is this print medium. Printing something while trying to communicate both substance and emotions is bleak in the emotional department and I think we go overboard to make our points sometime. Yet if you could see my smilin face you'd know I wouldn't really want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Calling someone an idiot for their opinion has nothing to do w/ print medium.

Dreamsglore wrote:Calling someone an idiot for their opinion has nothing to do w/ print medium.

You're not an idiot. NEOCONs are idiots but most everyone else is okay here. No one calling us idiots makes it so. Even me calling Neocon scum idiots doesn't make it so..I may be wrong.

TEOTWAWKI wrote:

Dreamsglore wrote:Calling someone an idiot for their opinion has nothing to do w/ print medium.

You're not an idiot. NEOCONs are idiots but most everyone else is okay here. No one calling us idiots makes it so. Even me calling Neocon scum idiots doesn't make it so..I may be wrong.

True dat.

Nekochan wrote:What if someone you love is doing something that doesn't hurt anyone but that you disapprove of?

Then you need to examine why that behavior upsets you.

Floridatexan wrote:

Nekochan wrote:What if someone you love is doing something that doesn't hurt anyone but that you disapprove of?

Then you need to examine why that behavior upsets you.

oh so when something another person is doing upsets you, its your fault? theres something wrong with you if your upset at others actions?

please clarify.

Chrissy wrote:

Joanimaroni wrote:

Chrissy wrote:How do you feel about "holding your feelings inside on certain subjects if you know it is something another you care for would get upset at?

How about defending wrongs? Or even trying to use a little white lie or twist something so it goes in the favor of someone you care about?

How far is it ok to compromise our true inner thoughts and ideas for another person when you really care about this person?

I would enjoy a honest non argumentive discussion on this topic f we could. I struggle with this topic.

Thanks

I still go with my original post.  Friends do not always agree on certain subjects and when you know how the discussion is going to end, don' t go there.  If you value the friendship avoid the controversial topic(s) whenever possible. Remember,  debates are not conversations.


Politics is a prime example, people have different views and to rehash the same shit is pointless. .... recognize the stalemate and move on. Find something fun and  pleasant to talk about...politics doesn't fit the fun and pleasant category at all.

BTW...you don't want to be " that" person people tend to avoid or hurry away from because you can only discuss one thing.

This really isn't about politics or anyone here fyi

its about how far down the line do you hold your comments on something.

Its about not speaking out all the time just to save the peace. I really feel that a person can have this type of behavior all the time and end up feeling like they are taken advantage of when really no one ever knew the true feelings inside because they were hidden for the sake of peace.

so while that person may actually be taken advantage of, they have allowed it in a way.

as far as debating, I personally do think debating is a form of conversation. Some of the most vigorous conversations ever had on the back porch at my house was all of us debating some issue.

I've never been one to hold my opinion down with my close friends and relatives. In public I am slightly introverted. Part of what I am noticing about myself is that the older I get, the more I am willing to just say fuck it to myself and keep my mouth shut. Then it eats at me.

am I the only one who this has ever happened to or just the first one to notice it lol

I was a very shy person as a child...very introverted and a total bookworm. But I ended up working in fields that required me to deal with the public and occasionally address groups. And I learned that my shy nature wasn't serving me well because people weren't listening to me...and I knew I had a lot to say, so I made myself go through the motions, even if I was scared to death...and the kneeknocking and blushing stopped. So I say stick to your guns...despite what some might thing, an employer (for instance) will admire your honesty and value your input, and people around you will know where you stand and where they stand with you. I'm not saying you should intentionally hurt people's feelings or deliver your message with a sledgehammer (unless it's called for), but don't lie to cover up the obvious, because you're not, in that instance, doing the other person a favor. Friends...real friends...tell each other the truth.

Floridatexan wrote:

Chrissy wrote:

Joanimaroni wrote:

Chrissy wrote:How do you feel about "holding your feelings inside on certain subjects if you know it is something another you care for would get upset at?

How about defending wrongs? Or even trying to use a little white lie or twist something so it goes in the favor of someone you care about?

How far is it ok to compromise our true inner thoughts and ideas for another person when you really care about this person?

I would enjoy a honest non argumentive discussion on this topic f we could. I struggle with this topic.

Thanks

I still go with my original post.  Friends do not always agree on certain subjects and when you know how the discussion is going to end, don' t go there.  If you value the friendship avoid the controversial topic(s) whenever possible. Remember,  debates are not conversations.


Politics is a prime example, people have different views and to rehash the same shit is pointless. .... recognize the stalemate and move on. Find something fun and  pleasant to talk about...politics doesn't fit the fun and pleasant category at all.

BTW...you don't want to be " that" person people tend to avoid or hurry away from because you can only discuss one thing.

This really isn't about politics or anyone here fyi

its about how far down the line do you hold your comments on something.

Its about not speaking out all the time just to save the peace. I really feel that a person can have this type of behavior all the time and end up feeling like they are taken advantage of when really no one ever knew the true feelings inside because they were hidden for the sake of peace.

so while that person may actually be taken advantage of, they have allowed it in a way.

as far as debating, I personally do think debating is a form of conversation. Some of the most vigorous conversations ever had on the back porch at my house was all of us debating some issue.

I've never been one to hold my opinion down with my close friends and relatives. In public I am slightly introverted. Part of what I am noticing about myself is that the older I get, the more I am willing to just say fuck it to myself and keep my mouth shut. Then it eats at me.

am I the only one who this has ever happened to or just the first one to notice it lol

I was a very shy person as a child...very introverted and a total bookworm.  But I ended up working in fields that required me to deal with the public and occasionally address groups.  And I learned that my shy nature wasn't serving me well because people weren't listening to me...and I knew I had a lot to say, so I made myself go through the motions, even if I was scared to death...and the kneeknocking and blushing stopped.  So I say stick to your guns...despite what some might thing, an employer (for instance) will admire your honesty and value your input, and people around you will know where you stand and where they stand with you.  I'm not saying you should intentionally hurt people's feelings or deliver your message with a sledgehammer (unless it's called for), but don't lie to cover up the obvious, because you're not, in that instance, doing the other person a favor.  Friends...real friends...tell each other the truth.

I always find it amazing when little bits f us come out on here and it can be parts that surprise either us or someone else.

I do not care for your politics FT

But what you just wrote in that paragraph above could not describe me any more clearer.

Its shocking to see slivers of commonality in others we disagree with so vehemently.

I am off to work now.

Chrissy wrote:

Floridatexan wrote:

Nekochan wrote:What if someone you love is doing something that doesn't hurt anyone but that you disapprove of?

Then you need to examine why that behavior upsets you.

oh so when something another person is doing upsets you, its your fault? theres something wrong with you if your upset at others actions?

please clarify.

Assuming that the behavior in question is not illegal or immoral, ask yourself why it bothers you so much. Does it remind you of someone else? In other words, can you justify your reaction to it, other than a vague feeling of "I don't like this"? Because we all overreact sometimes, and we see the world through our own personal lens.

Chrissy wrote:

Floridatexan wrote:

Chrissy wrote:

Joanimaroni wrote:

Chrissy wrote:How do you feel about "holding your feelings inside on certain subjects if you know it is something another you care for would get upset at?

How about defending wrongs? Or even trying to use a little white lie or twist something so it goes in the favor of someone you care about?

How far is it ok to compromise our true inner thoughts and ideas for another person when you really care about this person?

I would enjoy a honest non argumentive discussion on this topic f we could. I struggle with this topic.

Thanks

.
I still go with my original post.  Friends do not always agree on certain subjects and when you know how the discussion is going to end, don' t go there.  If you value the friendship avoid the controversial topic(s) whenever possible. Remember,  debates are not conversations.


Politics is a prime example, people have different views and to rehash the same shit is pointless. .... recognize the stalemate and move on. Find something fun and  pleasant to talk about...politics doesn't fit the fun and pleasant category at all.

BTW...you don't want to be " that" person people tend to avoid or hurry away from because you can only discuss one thing.

This really isn't about politics or anyone here fyi

its about how far down the line do you hold your comments on something.

Its about not speaking out all the time just to save the peace. I really feel that a person can have this type of behavior all the time and end up feeling like they are taken advantage of when really no one ever knew the true feelings inside because they were hidden for the sake of peace.

so while that person may actually be taken advantage of, they have allowed it in a way.

as far as debating, I personally do think debating is a form of conversation. Some of the most vigorous conversations ever had on the back porch at my house was all of us debating some issue.

I've never been one to hold my opinion down with my close friends and relatives. In public I am slightly introverted. Part of what I am noticing about myself is that the older I get, the more I am willing to just say fuck it to myself and keep my mouth shut. Then it eats at me.

am I the only one who this has ever happened to or just the first one to notice it lol

I was a very shy person as a child...very introverted and a total bookworm.  But I ended up working in fields that required me to deal with the public and occasionally address groups.  And I learned that my shy nature wasn't serving me well because people weren't listening to me...and I knew I had a lot to say, so I made myself go through the motions, even if I was scared to death...and the kneeknocking and blushing stopped.  So I say stick to your guns...despite what some might thing, an employer (for instance) will admire your honesty and value your input, and people around you will know where you stand and where they stand with you.  I'm not saying you should intentionally hurt people's feelings or deliver your message with a sledgehammer (unless it's called for), but don't lie to cover up the obvious, because you're not, in that instance, doing the other person a favor.  Friends...real friends...tell each other the truth.

I always find it amazing when little bits f us come out on here and it can be parts that surprise either us or someone else.

I do not care for your politics FT

But what you just wrote in that paragraph above could not describe me any more clearer.

Its shocking to see slivers of commonality in others we disagree with so vehemently.

I am off to work now.

I've had a love/hate  relationship with Florida Tex for years now...

Floridatexan wrote:

Nekochan wrote:What if someone you love is doing something that doesn't hurt anyone but that you disapprove of?

Then you need to examine why that behavior upsets you.

  

My thought exactly. If it's not hurting anyone, why would someone disapprove?

Even from a scriptural viewpoint, nearly every thing listed in the 10 commandments as a sin hurts someone else. Maybe not the putting another god before Jehovah, but the rest of them certainly involve the possibility of someone else being hurt somehow.

TEOTWAWKI wrote:

Chrissy wrote:

Floridatexan wrote:

Chrissy wrote:

Joanimaroni wrote:

Chrissy wrote:How do you feel about "holding your feelings inside on certain subjects if you know it is something another you care for would get upset at?

How about defending wrongs? Or even trying to use a little white lie or twist something so it goes in the favor of someone you care about?

How far is it ok to compromise our true inner thoughts and ideas for another person when you really care about this person?

I would enjoy a honest non argumentive discussion on this topic f we could. I struggle with this topic.

Thanks

.
I still go with my original post.  Friends do not always agree on certain subjects and when you know how the discussion is going to end, don' t go there.  If you value the friendship avoid the controversial topic(s) whenever possible. Remember,  debates are not conversations.


Politics is a prime example, people have different views and to rehash the same shit is pointless. .... recognize the stalemate and move on. Find something fun and  pleasant to talk about...politics doesn't fit the fun and pleasant category at all.

BTW...you don't want to be " that" person people tend to avoid or hurry away from because you can only discuss one thing.

This really isn't about politics or anyone here fyi

its about how far down the line do you hold your comments on something.

Its about not speaking out all the time just to save the peace. I really feel that a person can have this type of behavior all the time and end up feeling like they are taken advantage of when really no one ever knew the true feelings inside because they were hidden for the sake of peace.

so while that person may actually be taken advantage of, they have allowed it in a way.

as far as debating, I personally do think debating is a form of conversation. Some of the most vigorous conversations ever had on the back porch at my house was all of us debating some issue.

I've never been one to hold my opinion down with my close friends and relatives. In public I am slightly introverted. Part of what I am noticing about myself is that the older I get, the more I am willing to just say fuck it to myself and keep my mouth shut. Then it eats at me.

am I the only one who this has ever happened to or just the first one to notice it lol

I was a very shy person as a child...very introverted and a total bookworm.  But I ended up working in fields that required me to deal with the public and occasionally address groups.  And I learned that my shy nature wasn't serving me well because people weren't listening to me...and I knew I had a lot to say, so I made myself go through the motions, even if I was scared to death...and the kneeknocking and blushing stopped.  So I say stick to your guns...despite what some might thing, an employer (for instance) will admire your honesty and value your input, and people around you will know where you stand and where they stand with you.  I'm not saying you should intentionally hurt people's feelings or deliver your message with a sledgehammer (unless it's called for), but don't lie to cover up the obvious, because you're not, in that instance, doing the other person a favor.  Friends...real friends...tell each other the truth.

I always find it amazing when little bits f us come out on here and it can be parts that surprise either us or someone else.

I do not care for your politics FT

But what you just wrote in that paragraph above could not describe me any more clearer.

Its shocking to see slivers of commonality in others we disagree with so vehemently.

I am off to work now.

I've had a love/hate  relationship with Florida Tex for years now...

Like I said before, you shouldn't have to hold your feelings back from your close friends. If  they're really friends,  they'll accept you for what you think and believe.  And if not, you don't need them around anyway. I used to have one guy at work who was a neocon to the hilt, but he enjoyed a good argument. We'd argue every day, and then go out to breakfast together and just have a great old time. We'd talk about country music or things at work that we had both dealt with- things we knew we had in common.  He told me I was crazy more than once, but then he'd come over to see me just for the fun of the argument. After we stopped working together, we still occasionally talk on the phone. That's what a friend does- they accept you and enjoy you for your differences.

I think it just depends on the situation.  Maybe if you feel strongly about something, then let your friend/loved one know how you feel.  But then shut up about it.