Little Z is still waiting to be born. It has been a week now since Dad passed. I'm working on an obituary for his hometown newspaper right now. I'm honored to do it.
I did some reflection this evening right around the time I said goodbye to Dad for the last time. I posted this on Facebook, but I thought I would share it here, also:
Around this time one week ago, I said “I love you” to my dad for the last time. I cried. I hugged him. I kissed his cheek. I tried to fit in everything I’ve ever wanted to say to him in the span of a few minutes. I asked him if there was anything he wanted me to know. He shook his head and mouthed the words, “You know.” I had the clear sense that my dad felt we were making him late for something. It was as if he had an appointment, and we were holding him up. He was ready. As I walked out of the room with my mom, a feeling of total numbness filled my body. Knowing without a doubt that I would never see him again felt unreal. I’m not sure I’ve ever faced such absolute certainty. A few hours later, he was gone.
I could recount the ensuing grief that followed my dad’s death, but I’m certain that it is no different from anyone else’s. Grief—like love—is something universal. Even elephants experience it. But, I don’t want to dwell on the pain of grief, but rather what it has taught me about myself and my dad. Here are some things I’ve learned. I hope that maybe they will be helpful to you a long time from now after all of your loved ones have had long and fulfilling lives.
-It gets a little bit easier every day.
-Staying busy helping people, whether your family or friends, makes the grief sting less.
-You will feel a lot closer to those people who are left behind. You need each other.
-Tears exist for a reason. Holding them in doesn’t help and can make your body very tense.
-You’re going to have a lot of intrusive thoughts, both pleasant and unpleasant. Let them in, and then let the unpleasant ones go.
-You can’t second guess yourself. You did what you thought was best.
-Never underestimate what it means to be able to talk to someone you love. Communication is the foundation of relationships.
-You’re braver than you think you are. You’ll be able to handle things you thought you couldn’t.
-Being in the physical presence of someone you love—even in silence—is powerful and comforting.
-You can never over-prepare your affairs to help your loved ones after you die. Make sure everyone knows where things are and what to do. Fill out those beneficiary forms for all your accounts. Thank you, Daddy. You’ve made our lives easier.
-Accept the help. People only give when they really want to. You’re not inconveniencing them.
-You can never give or get enough hugs. They are healing. Even from strangers.
-Memories you have forgotten about, especially those from your childhood, will suddenly come from nowhere. They may make you sad at first, but they will eventually make you smile.
-When you are trying to do something that you feel you can’t do, it is ok to talk out loud to the person who would have helped you. It will help you feel more calm, and you will surprise yourself with the right answers.
-You are going to worry that you are forgetting the sensory details, but you won’t. Their pillow still smells like them.
-Don’t be afraid to keep living. You will be tempted to want to stay connected to the grief. You will feel guilty for moving on. You must, and you will. Accepting that is important.
-There are going to be things that make you sad. That’s ok. You will never get over the grief. It will just change shape.
I’ve received so many messages from my dad’s friends. He knew many of them for decades. One common theme has emerged: he was a kind, helpful, courageous, intelligent, dedicated, hard-working, and admired man. And even though I miss him more than I can ever describe, I am so proud to be his daughter.