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Pensacola Discussion Forum » General Discussion » How do you deal with the death of a child

How do you deal with the death of a child

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2seaoat



I have never been a person to display emotion. It was not easy to get an emotional response. I cried less than 5 times over the last 40 years with the loss of friends and family. I have always conducted myself professionally when dealing with people, but in another thread I talked about being with a couple to night who lost their 15 year old child in an auto accident recently. I did not know them before this evening, and they had their surviving 8 year old son with them when we interacted.......I lost control of my emotions this evening.

I attempted to convey my sorrow to the family, and like a three year old child I simply lost control. I have never had this happen. The last real cry I had was my father's funeral. I have shed brief tears at other funerals, but I never lost control. The pain of these parents jumped across my desk and pierced my soul and I simply lost it. I have been beat to a pulp, broke bones, and generally been messed up......and not a tear.....yet the pain I felt tonight shook my body and soul. The worse part is that I do not think I helped this family deal with their grief....and I wish I had been stronger....something in my entire life I never failed being......I am still profoundly sad.......so how do you deal with the death of a child?

Joanimaroni

Joanimaroni

2seaoat wrote:I have never been a person to display emotion. It was not easy to get an emotional response. I cried less than 5 times over the last 40 years with the loss of friends and family. I have always conducted myself professionally when dealing with people, but in another thread I talked about being with a couple to night who lost their 15 year old child in an auto accident recently. I did not know them before this evening, and they had their surviving 8 year old son with them when we interacted.......I lost control of my emotions this evening.

I attempted to convey my sorrow to the family, and like a three year old child I simply lost control. I have never had this happen. The last real cry I had was my father's funeral. I have shed brief tears at other funerals, but I never lost control. The pain of these parents jumped across my desk and pierced my soul and I simply lost it. I have been beat to a pulp, broke bones, and generally been messed up......and not a tear.....yet the pain I felt tonight shook my body and soul. The worse part is that I do not think I helped this family deal with their grief....and I wish I had been stronger....something in my entire life I never failed being......I am still profoundly sad.......so how do you deal with the death of a child?

I have never had to deal with the death of my own child or that of a relative. I have had to deal with the loss of many young children as an ER nurse and it was never easy. You go on but you never forget the pain of the parents and your own grief.

To this day I can recall the names of so many young ones I worked on. I remember the circumstances and the location of the accidents and the pain I felt inside while we tried in vain to save their life. At times, I can close my eyes and see the children, remember their names, and recall the faces and words spoken by the parents as we told them how sorry we were. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. IT HURTS...AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS PRAY FOR THEIR SOULS.

2seaoat



But did you ever lose it when dealing with the parents? My guess was that you were professional and helpful. You knew that losing control would only further sadden the parents in their great loss. I feel terrible....and I certainly do not think I helped those parents this evening and I sit here unable to sleep and deeply disturbed by what happened. I could not work with children who are critically Ill, and perhaps I have witnessed too much pain and sorrow as young people are so unfairly stricken.....I have no answer for my behavior this evening.

Guest


Guest

I have never had to deal with this, thank god. But i have watched 2 sisters deal with it. Most recent was 2 years ago this month actually my sisters daughter who was a police officer became very depressed, got herself addicted to pain pills. She shot herself in the mouth and blew her brains out 2 years ago almost exactly this day in Nov 2010.

My sister has been a basket case. I thought she was going to follow. She actually was living with me for several months up until about 2 months ago. She may be coming back. Im probaly going to send her a train ticket for the holidays because being there makes her very depressed.

My other sisters son died on his bacherlors party, he had a heart attack. there was quiet a commmotion when his bride to be wore her wedding gown to the funeral. My sister had never recovered. that was about 4 years ago.

I got to go to work. This is a hard subject.

2seaoat



I am so sorry for your losses. I am sure you gave them comfort and did not break down like a child and only further their pain. I am so ashamed of my inability to control my emotions yesterday, and I barely slept four hours last night trying to figure out what exactly happened.

Guest


Guest

2seaoat wrote:I am so sorry for your losses. I am sure you gave them comfort and did not break down like a child and only further their pain. I am so ashamed of my inability to control my emotions yesterday, and I barely slept four hours last night trying to figure out what exactly happened.

There is no shame in that, SeaOat. Let me guess... You awoke in the wee hours and had a hard time getting back to sleep.

2seaoat



I never was able to get sleepy until after almost three in the morning.....I was awake early this morning and I feel like I am floating in suspension still not understanding exactly what happened yesterday. I could understand my reaction if this was a family member, but I had only just met this couple, and as I looked over to their surviving son who was about 8 and saw his and his parent's pain....I simply lost it.

Joanimaroni

Joanimaroni

2seaoat wrote:I never was able to get sleepy until after almost three in the morning.....I was awake early this morning and I feel like I am floating in suspension still not understanding exactly what happened yesterday. I could understand my reaction if this was a family member, but I had only just met this couple, and as I looked over to their surviving son who was about 8 and saw his and his parent's pain....I simply lost it.

Seaoat, given your current medical situation, your reaction was completely understandable. Seeing a child taken before he has a chance to experience life, as you have done, weights heavily on the heart.

Guest


Guest

2seaoat wrote:I never was able to get sleepy until after almost three in the morning.....I was awake early this morning and I feel like I am floating in suspension still not understanding exactly what happened yesterday. I could understand my reaction if this was a family member, but I had only just met this couple, and as I looked over to their surviving son who was about 8 and saw his and his parent's pain....I simply lost it.

I can tear up at the drop of a hat. I get choked up singing pretty hymns in church... hymns like "Amazing Grace"... and have to mouth the words until I'm able to sing again. SeaOat, you are human, not a rock.

Guest


Guest

I do not think you ever truly deal with the death of your own child. The only thing I can say has ever given comfort is the passage of time. There is nothing you can say that can comfort someone who has lost a child all you can do is be present and share that pain. Help as much as you can, in that state of mind people are numb to life around them, their mind will flood with emotions to the point they will shut down. Over time you begin to distance yourself from that pain but often the slightest trigger or memory will bring it raging back to the front of your mind, you truly never deal with it.

11How do you deal with the death of a child Empty we held hands 11/9/2012, 2:00 pm

surfnrg

surfnrg

We held hands,

Our wind against the water, white blown back
Against dark winged edges, painted black by winter’s age.

We spun a circle,

On the dizzy water’s edge. From under our deep legs dangled the foam and shapes we chose, noses in and tails out, unbroken and floating.

We said the words,

And met our unsung notes on lips grown cold and frozen, stiff, the tongue numbed before it dumb.

We splashed our water,

In the wells of our water souls pushed up the gushing voices, let them go forth, and on the sea-syllables sounded the carrion like carriage, towards some unknown and undiscovered land.

I loosed the cover

And let my sparkles go from the hand that first held that skin and that bone, sifting like the sea sand through it, drifting hours away, and down through sun filtered waters, shining back and falling with only time in their path.

For there is time

Which recedes across the ruled horizon like the wintry sunset of browns and grays to disappear behind the edge, down to Davey’s deep dark and his dumb tongued mute.

No sound escapes nor bough bends across his fathomed brow.

2seaoat



I apologize Surf.....I did not think this thread out, and I hope I have in no way caused you any discomfort....I seem to be stepping all over myself and other people's emotions lately...I should have given some more thought before I started this thread now that you have rejoined us.

surfnrg

surfnrg

No need Seaoat: The years past fast and slow, a steady pace in a cadence all their own. Each one closing the time "gap" between between us -

Did you think that one day goes by that is not glued together by eternal Spirits , through the vernal forests and ocean's rolling over bound seamlessly forever. I will tell you a secret! they are no further away than a breath, closer than a butterfly to its cocoon, right in front of us. After you posted I happened upon this, and while I hold the Great Spirit there is more truth:

"Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" and it's not

Sal

Sal

surfnrg wrote:No need Seaoat: The years past fast and slow, a steady pace in a cadence all their own. Each one closing the time "gap" between between us -

Did you think that one day goes by that is not glued together by eternal Spirits , through the vernal forests and ocean's rolling over bound seamlessly forever. I will tell you a secret! they are no further away than a breath, closer than a butterfly to its cocoon, right in front of us. After you posted I happened upon this, and while I hold the Great Spirit there is more truth:

"Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" and it's not

Wow.

This agnostic was deeply moved reading the words you've written here.

Thank you.

Nekochan

Nekochan

I don't know how parents deal with the death of a child. It must be the most awful thing to go through. There is nothing shameful about feeling intense grief and sorrow when being with parents who have recently lost a child.

Guest


Guest

2seaoat wrote:I am so sorry for your losses. I am sure you gave them comfort and did not break down like a child and only further their pain. I am so ashamed of my inability to control my emotions yesterday, and I barely slept four hours last night trying to figure out what exactly happened.

seaoat, please do not be ashamed for breaking down and crying. You had heart felt emotions that were real and crying expressed that.

With my sisters I cried with them and then we would talk. and I would just listen and they would cry more. at first they were very distraught and almost out of control, talking about dying themselves and how could they go on. and I wuold tell them they have other children and dgrand children that need them and that thier cildren who had passed would not want them to harm themselves.

it is so hard to deal with death of a loved one. but I do beleive that God gives us strenght to get through it.

Guest


Guest

I think there is only one thing in this world that I fear... and that is losing a child.

The govt exploits this base fear in a number of ways... maybe that's why the best controls have used these tactics.

The human condition is a tool. The enlightenment just dives into preconditions... would you be happier hanging in a tree?


Nothing we know above that of any other primate parallels the loss of family or loved ones. Our future is being built today.

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