I just love it when they say '' The Bible Says ''
What else does the Bible say... I wonder.
Since the primary Christian objections to homosexuality come from the Book of Leviticus, let’s just us see what other requirements that part of the Bible levies on Christians, shall we?
No eating fat (3:17)
According to the Bible, this one is “a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live.”
By God’s law, all fat is to be saved for offerings to God. All fat. All.
Any Christian who eats fat of any kind, but particularly that from “clean” animals, is in violation of the law. And any Christian who fails to offer up fat to God is in violation of the law.
No eating blood 3:17
No traditional English breakfast for Christians. No black pudding or blood sausages. No Scandinavian pancakes. No French coq au vin or pressed duck.
I don’t suppose this will be a real hardship, but a lot of Christians are going to miss those rare steaks.
No touching an unclean animal (5:2)
No dogs. No pigs. No snakes. No shellfish. No crustaceans. No touching. This isn’t about eating unclean animals, we’ll get to that in a minute. This is about touching them.
Bringing unauthorized fire before God (10:1)
If a Christian starts an unauthorized fire, God is supposed to smite him. However, just like the gay thing, since God generally doesn’t go around smiting people who violate Leviticus these days, it’s up to us.
Letting your hair become unkempt (10:6)
God’s law is pretty specific about this: Messy hair? You will die and God will be mad at everybody.
Now, depending on which version of the bible you read, this law might only apply to the priesthood. But better safe than sorry I say.
Tearing your clothes (10:6)
Again, you’ll die and God will be mad at everybody. You know what to do if a Christian rips his pants.
And remember, it’s the law.
15. Eating an animal which doesn’t both chew cud and has a divided hoof (11:
16. Touching the carcass of any of the above (11:
17. Eating or touching the carcass of any seafood without fins or scales (11:10-12)
18. Eating or touching the carcass of the eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, the red kite, any kind of black kite, any kind of raven, the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat. (11:13-19)
What the hell is a hoopoe?
19. Eating or touching the carcass of flying insects with four legs, unless those legs are jointed (11:20-22)
By the time you figure out what kind of legs the damned thing has, it’s probably too late.
39. Having sex with a man “as one does with a woman” (18:22)
Ah, finally!
Wait, thirty-nine?
Gay sex is thirty-nine?
Gay sex is wedged in between Moloch and making metal gods?
What. The. Fuck?
Thirty-ninth? Thirty-ninth? Gay sex didn’t even make the Ten Commandments. And in Leviticus it’s thirty-nine? Thirty-nine?
Don’t eat Bald Eagles is more important than don’t have gay sex.
Don’t touch bugs with bendy legs is more important than don’t have gay sex.
No Messy Hair is more important than don’t have gay sex – seriously, go look at your bible. It’s right there. The fact that you own a fucking comb is more important to God than not having gay sex.
I’m just saying here!
Hey, don’t get pissy with me. This is your goofy stone-age religion, not mine. Always carry a comb! Come on.
Now can I a pizza with pork sausage on it there... bet I can
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