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How to Speak Republican

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1How to Speak Republican Empty How to Speak Republican on 8/23/2012, 1:29 pm

Floridatexan

Floridatexan

http://www.villagevoice.com/2012-08-22/news/how-to-speak-republican/

Next week, the Republican Party will convene in Tampa to plot world domination. And you're feeling left out.

Yes, you badly want in on the ground floor of the next culture war or invasion of a small, preferably Muslim country. Yet the GOP speaks in an elusive language only its followers understand. With just a few coded words, it's able to mobilize the loyalists—while simultaneously dismissing everyone else as un-American and quite possibly queer.

Rosetta Stone offers no help, for this is a dialect only deciphered with written authorization from Jesus or Goldman Sachs. You worry the march to godliness will go forth without you. You'll be left behind with Rosie O'Donnell and those eco-fairies who bicycle to work.

Yet a recently leaked glossary lays bare the mystery of the Republican tongue. Now you too can speak with the superiority of talk radio hosts and pissed-off old guys who live in mobile home parks on the outskirts of Jacksonville. Enjoy your seat at the right hand of God!

Abortion: Reproductive issue best decided by preachers from rural Georgia who believe babies are conceived by using public restrooms

American: True patriot who hates all the right things, including but not exclusive to taxes, unbreaded chicken, California, female sportscasters, the Toyota Prius, people who speak Mexican, BET, free-range vegetables, public radio, Al Sharpton, whales . . .

Apologizing: The treasonous admission that America is not always perfect. Usually committed by people who can't even tastefully match their cowboy boots with their firearms.

Bain Capital: Massachusetts investment firm celebrated for providing investors with huge returns by laying off thousands of workers, cutting health care benefits, and shipping jobs to those places where foreigners live. Will serve as the model for U.S. economic recovery once the infidel is smote.

Barack Hussein Obama: Muslim foreigner illegally elected president to pursue the socialist agenda of Karl Marx, regarded as the least funny brother of the famed comedic troupe

Bible: Inerrant history book starring omnipotent being who sentences others to eternal damnation unless they do what he says. Think of Pat Robertson, only with a hillbilly beard and the ability to part seas.

Chick-fil-A: Baptist version of eating kosher. Only sells chickens that have provided a documented history of heterosexuality to a commission of small-town Chamber of Commerce officials.

Christian: GOP delegate who has devoted his life to Jesus, handguns, and repealing the Clean Water Act. Will be doing missionary work at Tampa gentlemen's clubs next week. At least that's what he'll tell his wife when the MasterCard bill arrives, LOL!

Christian persecution: When school board bars teacher from conducting faith-healing sessions in his seventh-grade biology class

Class warfare: Indefensible act of pitting America against the wealthy, but perfectly reasonable when mocking moms on welfare, so they'll finally learn not to wear spandex with a butt that size

College: American version of Maoist re-education camp, where liberal professors encourage impressionable youth to enjoy critical thinking, Jäger shots, and recreational intercourse

Constitutional conservatism: Belief that our founding document should be strictly interpreted—even though it was written by guys who wore wigs and capri pants but were definitely not trannies, since that hadn't even been invented yet

Corporation: Most evolved species of mammal. Designated by Supreme Court as the legal equivalent to people, only better because they can afford to buy congressmen and box seats to the Texas Rangers.

Entitlement society: Large corporations who demand public subsidies every time they build a facility, move their headquarters, or threaten to relocate to Botswana or Mississippi. Wait. No. Scratch that.

Environment: Convenient place to dump car batteries and kitchen appliances. While lamestream media insists on its preservation, studies by the business faculty at Liberty University prove that beavers actually like swimming in hydrochloric acid because it improves their skin tone.

Evolution: Fraudulent theory that man evolved from ape. Have you ever seen an ape with jugs like Jessica Simpson's?

Feminazis: Ingrate women who use the word "eww!" when Rush Limbaugh tries to buy them a Sex on the Beach at hotel bars in Boca Raton

Food stamp president: Did we mention that Obama is a Negro? And that he's probably a Muslim?

Founding fathers: Early visionaries who built a start-up country to escape the tyranny of England. Based on the theory that we could more cost-effectively do our own tyranny.

Free market: Utopian world where corporations are allowed to conduct business without interference from price fixing, consumer protection, and child-labor laws

Global warming: Theory shared by 99 percent of the world's scientists that man-made pollution is warming Earth's atmosphere. Easily discredited by pointing to that one day in February when it was pretty cold.

Gotcha journalism: Shameful media practice pioneered by Katie Couric in which she uses duplicitous interview tactics—often called "questions"—to get vice presidential candidates to admit they can't read

Homosexual agenda: Conspiracy co-chaired by Satan and Neil Patrick Harris to persuade America's youth to quit football and pursue careers as botanists and defense lawyers

Illegals: American slang for "Mexican." Also: Anyone skilled in the operation of a leaf blower.

Jesus: Celebrated ancient deity who preached that "the poor should get a damned job already" and that all human suffering could be averted by simply lowering the capital gains tax.

Jews: The guys who killed Christ. Occasionally have the audacity to apply for membership to your country club, despite genetic deficiencies and an inadequate short game.

Job creators: People who pay half the tax rate you do because God likes them way better. Deserving of further deductions because the gardener is asking for $4.25 an hour and Sundays off.

Lamestream media: All media with the exception of Fox News, The Wall Street Journal, and the non-gay parts of pornhub.com. Note: Gay parts can be mildly educational if your wife is at Bible study and the door is locked.

Liberal agenda: Set of effete East Coast values written by Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks to destroy the American family by getting our children to suck at math and listen to John Mayer

Liberal elite: Immoral foe nearly crushed to extinction by the superiority of the conservative agenda. Membership believed to consist of three elderly men recently expelled from the Newport Yacht Club for publicly expressing fond memories of Roosevelt.

Mormons: Creepy sex-cult perverts from Utah who have arranged marriages with 13-year-old girls named Edna. Still better than Negroes but scarier than Jews.

Muslims: Swarthy apostates who hate freedom. Believe that blowing up grandmas and blond children will be rewarded with 72 virgins in a jacuzzi suite at the Heaven Best Western. Covert cells mostly operating in Iran and the U.S. State Department.

Obamacare: Theory that all Americans deserve health coverage when they could just as easily rub some dirt on it

Radical feminists: Secret cabal of WNBA season-ticket holders seeking to usurp the natural role of men as the boss of everything. Need to shut up and vacuum the living room.

Science: Discredited field of study practiced by sissies at northern liberal arts schools that suck at football

Second Amendment: The God-given right to carry an assault rifle to Sunday brunch at Applebee's just in case there's a kid wearing a hoodie

Tea Party: People who hate socialism and government entitlements but live off of Social Security and Medicare because stuff like that doesn't really count

Traditional marriage: A union between a man and woman who argue over a period of three to seven years, then separate and file unflattering paperwork about each other. Repeat cycle as necessary.

Values voters: People willing to be economically sodomized as long as we keep bagging on the homos and the wetbacks.

2How to Speak Republican Empty Re: How to Speak Republican on 8/23/2012, 4:13 pm

NaNook

NaNook
Go for it, 20k Muslims in the , BANK OF AMERICA, stadium should be interesting. Ever been to NW,NC? Good Luck, we're polite though....

3How to Speak Republican Empty Re: How to Speak Republican on 8/23/2012, 4:39 pm

polecat

polecat
Todd Akin's New Republican Rules for Rape:




not rape if the slut has had anything to drink

if slut is improperly revealing her body, no rape can occur

if slut isn't killed or disfigured, she probably liked it, wasn't rape

if slut gets knocked up, she was diggin' it. oh baby yes

if slut said "no" in a way that could be interpreted as "yes', no rapey

also too, if a Christian does it, can't be rape, because Christians don't rape

as you can see, rapes are wildly over-reported

game set match

4How to Speak Republican Empty Re: How to Speak Republican on 8/23/2012, 5:48 pm

NaNook

NaNook
polecat wrote:Todd Akin's New Republican Rules for Rape:




not rape if the slut has had anything to drink

if slut is improperly revealing her body, no rape can occur

if slut isn't killed or disfigured, she probably liked it, wasn't rape

if slut gets knocked up, she was diggin' it. oh baby yes

if slut said "no" in a way that could be interpreted as "yes', no rapey

also too, if a Christian does it, can't be rape, because Christians don't rape

as you can see, rapes are wildly over-reported

game set match

You forgot to mention the kids who grew-up together. The boy turns 18 and the girl is still 16 and they are both seniors. They are in the same grade. Some Dads object, my baby was raped. Boy-friend gets married, no charges.

Down South we usually know the Father of a Baby......and we help both of them.

5How to Speak Republican Empty Re: How to Speak Republican on 8/23/2012, 10:35 pm

othershoe1030

othershoe1030
So many good lines FT, can't pick a favorite although I did like the Chick-filet being the Baptist version of eating Kosher!

6How to Speak Republican Empty Re: How to Speak Republican on 8/24/2012, 9:05 am

Guest


Guest
(David Mansdoerfer) – Rhetoric – the art or study of using language effectively and persuasively. Below, I will translate typical liberal Democrat rhetoric for the common everyday U.S. citizen.

Revenue: Taxes

Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to increase revenue (taxes).

Immigration Reform: Amnesty for all

Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to protect America’s borders by enacting legislation that promotes immigration reform (amnesty for all).

Equal Opportunity: Equal Outcome

Used in a sentence: Democrats want to ensure every kid has equal opportunity (equal outcome) by forcing them to attend a government sponsored school.

Education Reform: Status Quo

Used in a sentence: Democrats support education reform (the status quo) by allowing teacher unions to bankrupt our school system and protect bad teachers.

Energy Independence: Gas prices
Green energy: Unemployment

Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to increase America’s energy independence (gas prices) by investing in green energy (unemployment).

Diplomacy: Fairy dust

Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to use diplomacy (fairy dust) to convince Iran to stop developing nuclear weapons.

Oversight: Regulation

Used in a sentence: Democrats want to increase federal oversight (regulation).

Job creation: Government spending

Used in a sentence: Government wants to focus on increasing job creation (government spending).

Health Care Reform: Voodoo

Used in a sentence: Democrats legislated health care reform (voodoo) that was supposed to magically bring health care costs down.

Card Check: Mandated union membership

Used in a sentence: Democrats want to enact card check (mandated union membership) so that taxpayer money can be used to help get them elected.

Stimulate: Control

Used in a sentence: Democrats want to stimulate (control) the economy.

As made clear above, liberal rhetoric is generally code words that cover up their true intentions – to increase the size of government, taxes and take away personal liberty. Next time you hear any of this poorly conceived rhetoric, do your liberal friends a favor and give them the actual definition.

7How to Speak Republican Empty Re: How to Speak Republican on 8/24/2012, 9:37 am

Guest


Guest
investment, fair, justice, 1%, peace...

8How to Speak Republican Empty Re: How to Speak Republican on 8/24/2012, 10:26 am

Floridatexan

Floridatexan
nochain wrote:(David Mansdoerfer) – Rhetoric – the art or study of using language effectively and persuasively. Below, I will translate typical liberal Democrat rhetoric for the common everyday U.S. citizen.

Revenue: Taxes

Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to increase revenue (taxes).

Immigration Reform: Amnesty for all

Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to protect America’s borders by enacting legislation that promotes immigration reform (amnesty for all).

Equal Opportunity: Equal Outcome

Used in a sentence: Democrats want to ensure every kid has equal opportunity (equal outcome) by forcing them to attend a government sponsored school.

Education Reform: Status Quo

Used in a sentence: Democrats support education reform (the status quo) by allowing teacher unions to bankrupt our school system and protect bad teachers.

Energy Independence: Gas prices
Green energy: Unemployment

Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to increase America’s energy independence (gas prices) by investing in green energy (unemployment).

Diplomacy: Fairy dust

Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to use diplomacy (fairy dust) to convince Iran to stop developing nuclear weapons.

Oversight: Regulation

Used in a sentence: Democrats want to increase federal oversight (regulation).

Job creation: Government spending

Used in a sentence: Government wants to focus on increasing job creation (government spending).

Health Care Reform: Voodoo

Used in a sentence: Democrats legislated health care reform (voodoo) that was supposed to magically bring health care costs down.

Card Check: Mandated union membership

Used in a sentence: Democrats want to enact card check (mandated union membership) so that taxpayer money can be used to help get them elected.

Stimulate: Control

Used in a sentence: Democrats want to stimulate (control) the economy.

As made clear above, liberal rhetoric is generally code words that cover up their true intentions – to increase the size of government, taxes and take away personal liberty. Next time you hear any of this poorly conceived rhetoric, do your liberal friends a favor and give them the actual definition.

Oh, yes, the liberals are soooooooooo evil. That's why George W. Bush is hiding in Texas...because he can't come out for the convention. Maybe they'll have him on remote broadcast. He and his neocon buddies almost destroyed the country through privatization and deregulation, but hey, Mitt has a plan. Problem is that Mitt's plan is Bush's plan on steroids. If you want to completely wreck the economy, vote "R".

9How to Speak Republican Empty Re: How to Speak Republican on 8/24/2012, 10:42 am

Guest


Guest
[quote="Floridatexan"]
nochain wrote:(David Mansdoerfer) – Rhetoric – the
Oh, yes, the liberals are soooooooooo evil. That's why George W. Bush is hiding in Texas...because he can't come out for the convention. Maybe they'll have him on remote broadcast. He and his neocon buddies almost destroyed the country through privatization and deregulation, but hey, Mitt has a plan. Problem is that Mitt's plan is Bush's plan on steroids. If you want to completely wreck the economy, vote "R".

Your Hero BHO is doing a pretty fine job of doing nothing but further destroying this country. Your whacked out insistence on Blame Bush for everything is hilarious particularly after more than 3 years of BHO's lies and deceptions. Where is BHO's budget? How much has BHO blown on failed jobs programs, green (as in money) energy, "shovel ready" nonexistant projects, misguided international bequests, and the hidden costs of Obamacare? TRILLIONS! The unemployment rate is still off the charts, BHO is still spewing his devisive lies and sheeple like you STILL believe!



Last edited by nochain on 8/24/2012, 10:52 am; edited 1 time in total

10How to Speak Republican Empty Re: How to Speak Republican on 8/24/2012, 10:45 am

Guest


Guest
what has obama done that bush wouldn't have... or vice versa?

11How to Speak Republican Empty Re: How to Speak Republican on 8/24/2012, 11:33 am

othershoe1030

othershoe1030
(David Mansdoerfer) – Rhetoric – the art or study of using language effectively and persuasively. Below, I will translate typical liberal Democrat rhetoric for the common everyday U.S. citizen.

Revenue: Taxes
You got this one pretty right, taxes are what are levied resulting in revenue. Revenue being the money government uses to pay for public expenses, very good.
Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to increase revenue (taxes).

Immigration Reform: Amnesty for all
Reagan gave amnesty to illegals and then vowed to crack down, tighten up the border. It’s a tough job. Nearly 400,000 illegals were deported in 2011.
Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to protect America’s borders by enacting legislation that promotes immigration reform (amnesty for all).

Equal Opportunity: Equal Outcome
Purposely misrepresented to make tea party followers feel that they have one more reason to hate the government from which they collect their Social Security checks and Medicare coverage.
Used in a sentence: Democrats want to ensure every kid has equal opportunity (equal outcome) by forcing them to attend a government sponsored school.
Kids are forced to attend public schools? Who knew?
Education Reform: Status Quo

Used in a sentence: Democrats support education reform (the status quo) by allowing teacher unions to bankrupt our school system and protect bad teachers.
The last “education reform” was no child left behind. How did that work?
Energy Independence: Gas prices This doesn’t even make sense.
Green energy: Unemployment
Renewable energy is the wave of the future. Development of wind, solar, etc. has already created jobs. To not develop these forms of energy is just buggy-whip thinking.
Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to increase America’s energy independence (gas prices) by investing in green energy (unemployment).

Diplomacy: Fairy dust
Grownups talking as opposed to radioactive fall out dust
Used in a sentence: Democrats plan to use diplomacy (fairy dust) to convince Iran to stop developing nuclear weapons.

Oversight: Regulation
Hey, this is the second one you got right!
Used in a sentence: Democrats want to increase federal oversight (regulation).

Job creation: Government spending

Used in a sentence: Government wants to focus on increasing job creation (government spending).
Sometimes it does take government spending, think Avalon Blvd. and the I 10 bridge.
Health Care Reform: Voodoo

Used in a sentence: Democrats legislated health care reform (voodoo) that was supposed to magically bring health care costs down.

Voodoo involving covering more people, removing the “cap” on coverage, letting kids stay on their parents policies until they turn 26, closing ‘doughnut hole’ in prescription drug coverage for seniors, shuttling millions of new clients to private insurance companies, not letting insurance companies drop patients once they become sick, not letting insurance companies refuse to cover people with pre-existing conditions. We need more voodoo!

Card Check: Mandated union membership

Used in a sentence: Democrats want to enact card check (mandated union membership) so that taxpayer money can be used to help get them elected.
Card check is a process used by employees to organize a union at their workplace.

Labor unions must give nonmember workers "fresh notice" of unplanned increases in fees or assessments -- money that might be used for political purposes -- the Supreme Court ruled Thursday.
The justices said those nonunion workers must be allowed to make an informed choice about how those kinds of fees are spent, allowing them to object and obtain a rebate.

Stimulate: Control

Used in a sentence: Democrats want to stimulate (control) the economy.
From the dictionary:
To rouse to activity or heightened action, as by spurring or goading

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