When a family member becomes sicker

I am going to express pain which is far greater and more intense than actually personally experiencing pain with my Illness. My daughter has Lupus. She found out on the birth of her first child, and we almost lost her during my oldest granddaughter's birth. She was lucky that her illness had not been extreme at this point, and she and her doctors were trying to manage the disease and its symptoms.

One of the symptoms is the loss of hair. My daughter had a beautiful full head of hair, but as she struggles with the disease she has had significant loss of hair and as she is a professional who has to appear in front of the public, it has been a painful process of trying deal with what had become obvious large areas of her head which no longer supported hair growth. She was put on a hair growth product which works with Lupus patients and she was very happy with how her hair was responding. However, her kidney functions have taken a very serious hit and the doctor has taken her off the medication and in two weeks they will retest, and if the tests continue to drop, they will do a biopsy, but Lupus attacks the kidneys and shortens significantly a person life. I have seen consistently among friends that their family members have lost people to complications of Lupus in their fifties or late forties. My daughter is 35 and has a 7 and 4 year old.

To complicate matters after the second child she put on forty pounds and has not been able to lose that weight largely because this two sport division one athlete has Lupus and is constantly without energy and working as a full time prosecutor and raising a family are difficult enough. I have to be very careful with my words. A father can cause irreparable damage to a daughter by suggesting that her appearance or weight is becoming a problem. I certainly broach the same with concern for my grandchildren and with full knowledge that her battle with Lupus will not be easy or necessarily end up with a happy ending. I had one frank conversation with her in regard to the weight and the need that those two children need a healthy mother through high school. I could see in her eyes the pain of my words, because with all else that she faces she is watching her father die.

Well the good news is that she is getting up at 5 am. She is spending an hour and a half in the gym working to bring her weight down. She is the fighter I raised and I am proud, but the pain of seeing someone you love ill is sometimes too powerful to express in words. As a father my role and duty will not change until I am ashes, nor will the pain one feels when a loved one is suffering, but courage is not easy sometimes, and sometimes no matter how much it hurts we need to talk in families about things which are not easy and can be painful. I hope she will live into her nineties and be able to enjoy the gift she has given me with grandchildren, but that love of a parent never diminishes,nor does it get any easier when our roles begin to switch and I become the child again, but the pain can be unbearable when you see a loved one hurting.

Sorry you have that added concern on your already full plate of troubles...my sister had a loss of hair situation and she ordered some human hair wigs from Germany that were very complimentary....God watch over and keep you and yours....

Thank you, and we are considering looking into a gift with some of the transplantation options and weaves you have described, but we tread on this with caution, as you have a daughter and fully understand when a father or mother begins to talk about appearance issues, it can result in consequences and pain which was not the intent. Our immediate concern is the failing kidneys and her long term health, but so much of health deals with feeling good about yourself which involves weight and appearance. My hair thinned when I was thirty, and I never was bald, but just cut my hair shorter and as an Oscar, I do not give a chit........but she was a beauty who turned heads who is fighting a very difficult battle right now, which is painful for both my wife and I, and it is not my plate I am worrying about because if I am gone, and my daughter is gone, my SIL lost his mother, those grandchildren will fall on my wife's plate which right now is certainly full. I will report on her tests and her weight loss, but these diseases which were unheard of a hundred years ago are part and parcel to our desecration of our gifts which we were given which start with the absolutely pristine and beautiful environment of America. You just have to keep a positive attitude and hope that the grand children will be given her love and guidance until they too are mothers.

Positive thoughts for your daughter.

Wish I could do more but I do keep you and your loved ones in my nightly prayers.

Hope to meet you one day.

So sorry for the pain Mr. Oats, only best wishes for your daughter!

Wish I could do more but I do keep you and your loved ones in my nightly prayers.

Hope to meet you one day.

I wish things were stable so I could meet many people here before I leave on a journey, but I will find out the week of the 25th if the gurgling in my lungs is congestive heart failure with the attacks on my right side heart valves where there is a 63% mortality with surgery in my condition, more lung tumors, or hopefully just pneumonia which was triggered by that damn rental house and the cats where we spent a week in a hotel and then a week in the house after we cleaned it.  Mr. Tough guy is definitely seeing his mortality, but I refuse to stop trying to stay active as long as I can.....the good news the pain is not all that bad compared to other times, and I am breathing tonight without a breathing treatment.   You will see I have been on the forum more lately.....that never is a good sign, because it means that I am spending more and more time in bed.......but I am 64 and my time is coming, but the pain of seeing a child facing serious challenges is far more my concern, and sadly the weight on my wife's shoulders, and I literally have hundreds of people praying for me and I happen to be someone who thinks that and positive thoughts help, if nothing else but to appreciate how damn fortunate I have been in my life.  I just want to live long enough for the Bulls to beat Boards Cavs because next to teasing you, and Dreams, I love arguing basketball with boards.

I also hope you and Z are getting better news on some of your health issues.

2seaoat wrote:Wish I could do more but I do keep you and your loved ones in my nightly prayers.

Hope to meet you one day.

I wish things were stable so I could meet many people here before I leave on a journey, but I will find out the week of the 25th if the gurgling in my lungs is congestive heart failure with the attacks on my right side heart valves where there is a 63% mortality with surgery in my condition, more lung tumors, or hopefully just pneumonia which was triggered by that damn rental house and the cats where we spent a week in a hotel and then a week in the house after we cleaned it.  Mr. Tough guy is definitely seeing his mortality, but I refuse to stop trying to stay active as long as I can.....the good news the pain is not all that bad compared to other times, and I am breathing tonight without a breathing treatment.   You will see I have been on the forum more lately.....that never is a good sign, because it means that I am spending more and more time in bed.......but I am 64 and my time is coming, but the pain of seeing a child facing serious challenges is far more my concern, and sadly the weight on my wife's shoulders, and I literally have hundreds of people praying for me and I happen to be someone who thinks that and positive thoughts help, if nothing else but to appreciate how damn fortunate I have been in my life.  I just want to live long enough for the Bulls to beat Boards Cavs because next to teasing you, and Dreams, I love arguing basketball with boards.

I also hope you and Z are getting better news on some of your health issues.

Boards has nothing to rave about. Go Bull, from a Warrior fan.

Boards has nothing to rave about. Go Bull, from a Warrior fan.



I would love to see the Warriors beat the Bulls in the final.....I love my Bulls, but I am a basketball purist and there has not been this kind of basketball being played by the Spurs and the Warriors in ten years and in regard to the Warriors since the Bulls great teams. I am just loving to see defense and teamwork returning to the game I love and being rewarded as we transition from individual play. I actually love the way the cavs have been playing the last seven games, and I cannot give enough praise to Irving. I hope he can fully recover and not fact the difficult road to recovery which Rose has faced. The funny things is the better the Cavs team gets the more James shooting woes are becoming apparent......but therein may be what people have been arguing for years how hard it is to play with James and win. It should be a fun spring and early summer with the talent out there.

2seaoat wrote:Boards has nothing to rave about. Go Bull, from a Warrior fan.



I would love to see the Warriors beat the Bulls in the final.....I love my Bulls, but I am a basketball purist and there has not been this kind of basketball being played by the Spurs and the Warriors in ten years and in regard to the Warriors since the Bulls great teams.   I am just loving to see defense and teamwork returning to the game I love and being rewarded as we transition from individual play.   I actually love the way the cavs have been playing the last seven games, and I cannot give enough praise to Irving.   I hope he can fully recover and not fact the difficult road to recovery which Rose has faced.  The funny things is the better the Cavs team gets the more James shooting woes are becoming apparent......but therein may be what people have been arguing for years how hard it is to play with James and win.  It should be a fun spring and early summer with the talent out there.

One of the sports shows on this morning had a video with super plays, shots, and passes by the Warriors....incredible.  

I love the aspect of team play. The Warriors play with supreme confidence and control....emotional and athletic control.

ZVUGKTUBM wrote:I also hope you and Z are getting better news on some of your health issues.

Z is hanging in there, as usual…. I have been with you all for 10 years now and have purposely not been open about the chronic, long-term medical condition I have dealt with since 1990 (and before). Not afraid or ashamed to talk about it and have in PMs with a couple of folks, but have chosen not to air my dirty-laundry in the open. I try to stand on top of it more than it stands over me, and choose to wake up with a good attitude every morning; just like I did today!

Aside from that, I will openly share that I was diagnosed with prostate cancer a month ago, so I will join the rest of the folks we have here who are dealing with cancer. I have to thank the VA for sounding off about my gradually elevating PSA levels (starting around 2006) during my annual checkups at the JACC on Corry Station. I eventually wound up with Dr. Garner (urologist) at the Woodlands in 2014. My first prostate biopsy came back clear; however, my PSA kept climbing to 9+. He did a second biopsy during December, 2015, and discovered my cancer. Dr. Garner retired at the end of December, so I will now be followed by Dr. Vaughan (a new guy). I had a bone scan and CT scan of my pelvis at the Woodlands last week, and I see the new dr. on the 28th. Both my father and maternal grandfather had prostate cancer. My grandfather’s cancer was discovered so late that they chose not to treat it and he died of natural causes in 1978. Dad was diagnosed in 2003 at age 76, and underwent brachytherapy (radioactive seeds), which made him cancer-free by 2006. We will see what Dr. Vaughan recommends for me and will and go from there.

Hang in there, Seaoat. I saw this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson this morning, and it moved me (I normally am NOT moved by poetry…): "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Thoughts and prayers will be for you....

My BIL has lupus and it has been devastating on him. He's in a wheelchair now. Most people who have lupus don't even work.Best wishes for your daughter, Oatie.

ZVUGKTUBM wrote:I also hope you and Z are getting better news on some of your health issues.

Z is hanging in there, as usual…. I have been with you all for 10 years now and have purposely not been open about the chronic, long-term medical condition I have dealt with since 1990 (and before). Not afraid or ashamed to talk about it and have in PMs with a couple of folks, but have chosen not to air my dirty-laundry in the open. I try to stand on top of it more than it stands over me, and choose to wake up with a good attitude every morning; just like I did today!

Aside from that, I will openly share that I was diagnosed with prostate cancer a month ago, so I will join the rest of the folks we have here who are dealing with cancer. I have to thank the VA for sounding off about my gradually elevating PSA levels (starting around 2006) during my annual checkups at the JACC on Corry Station. I eventually wound up with Dr. Garner (urologist) at the Woodlands in 2014. My first prostate biopsy came back clear; however, my PSA kept climbing to 9+. He did a second biopsy during December, 2015, and discovered my cancer. Dr. Garner retired at the end of December, so I will now be followed by Dr. Vaughan (a new guy). I had a bone scan and CT scan of my pelvis at the Woodlands last week, and I see the new dr. on the 28th. Both my father and maternal grandfather had prostate cancer. My grandfather’s cancer was discovered so late that they chose not to treat it and he died of natural causes in 1978. Dad was diagnosed in 2003 at age 76, and underwent brachytherapy (radioactive seeds), which made him cancer-free by 2006. We will see what Dr. Vaughan recommends for me and will and go from there.

Hang in there, Seaoat. I saw this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson this morning, and it moved me (I normally am NOT moved by poetry…): "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Best wishes for you also Z. You're going to be fine.