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Studer hires everyone in town, figures it’s just easier that way
At an elaborate press conference held this morning, local businessman Quint Studer announced he had decided to hire everyone in town, saying it will “save everyone a lot of time” and “really streamline things.”
Using a series of flowcharts and diagrams, Studer — best known as the owner of the Pensacola Blue Wahoos — laid out the details of how he planned to transition every job in the greater Pensacola area to a series of new subsidiaries controlled by his Studer Community Development Group. “Placing everyone in Pensacola under a unified management structure will really help us leverage our synergy as a community,” said Studer.
Studer also announced that he had purchased the assets of Escambia County and the City of Pensacola, and that both local governments would be phased out in favor of the new Studer Municipal Services Partnership. Sources report that Studer is also in talks to acquire the Escambia County School District, but that the parties have been unable to agree on the value of the school district’s many shuttered inner-city schools.
Post Published: 03 March 2014
Author: Dick Ootzen
4 Responses to “Studer hires everyone in town, figures it’s just easier that way”
Erica House says:
March 3, 2014 at 10:03 am
I have such a crush on this blog right now.
Reply
Dinky says:
March 3, 2014 at 11:01 am
Okay. I get it. This is parody.
But should we not wish it were true? Studer could do a whole lot better than CoP, ECBoCC, and ECSD.
ECUA seems to be doing well on its own.
Reply
Carl Weinercke says:
March 3, 2014 at 11:16 am
Seriously, what an all-star cast of characters! Or, as Rick Outzen calls them, the “Who’s-Who of Media Talent”.
Rounding out the team is Reggie “Plagerist” Dogan. Dogan got the job because he promised to expedite the process by submitting identical studies and reports from other cities…!
And who can forget Randy “Hothead” Hammer. I thought we got rid of this clown years ago. Did he wear out his welcome in Ashville?
And finally there’s Shannon Nickinson, who endeared the readers of her News Journal column by relevantly sharing her cookie recipes with us. Shannon will bring her same “hard core” fact-finding expertise to this endeavor.
The one thing that ALL of these folks have in common is that they all used their influence as “journalists” to promote the “Studer Cause”. Soon, the News Journal will be moving into their new location at the Studer World Headquarters Building, and the consumption of all of Pensacola’s media outlets will be complete. Quinty will no longer have to drive over to the News Journal building to deliver that paper’s editorial content. All he will have to do is walk down the hall…..
Reply
Pinky says:
March 3, 2014 at 2:14 pm
And, the best news of all… Amazon reports anticipated Studer books sales to skyrocket as Studer Municipal Services Partnership employees purchase ‘recommended reading’ on how to work as a Stepford Studerite.
Reply
From Dicks Blog.biz
Studer hires everyone in town, figures it’s just easier that way
At an elaborate press conference held this morning, local businessman Quint Studer announced he had decided to hire everyone in town, saying it will “save everyone a lot of time” and “really streamline things.”
Using a series of flowcharts and diagrams, Studer — best known as the owner of the Pensacola Blue Wahoos — laid out the details of how he planned to transition every job in the greater Pensacola area to a series of new subsidiaries controlled by his Studer Community Development Group. “Placing everyone in Pensacola under a unified management structure will really help us leverage our synergy as a community,” said Studer.
Studer also announced that he had purchased the assets of Escambia County and the City of Pensacola, and that both local governments would be phased out in favor of the new Studer Municipal Services Partnership. Sources report that Studer is also in talks to acquire the Escambia County School District, but that the parties have been unable to agree on the value of the school district’s many shuttered inner-city schools.
Post Published: 03 March 2014
Author: Dick Ootzen
4 Responses to “Studer hires everyone in town, figures it’s just easier that way”
Erica House says:
March 3, 2014 at 10:03 am
I have such a crush on this blog right now.
Reply
Dinky says:
March 3, 2014 at 11:01 am
Okay. I get it. This is parody.
But should we not wish it were true? Studer could do a whole lot better than CoP, ECBoCC, and ECSD.
ECUA seems to be doing well on its own.
Reply
Carl Weinercke says:
March 3, 2014 at 11:16 am
Seriously, what an all-star cast of characters! Or, as Rick Outzen calls them, the “Who’s-Who of Media Talent”.
Rounding out the team is Reggie “Plagerist” Dogan. Dogan got the job because he promised to expedite the process by submitting identical studies and reports from other cities…!
And who can forget Randy “Hothead” Hammer. I thought we got rid of this clown years ago. Did he wear out his welcome in Ashville?
And finally there’s Shannon Nickinson, who endeared the readers of her News Journal column by relevantly sharing her cookie recipes with us. Shannon will bring her same “hard core” fact-finding expertise to this endeavor.
The one thing that ALL of these folks have in common is that they all used their influence as “journalists” to promote the “Studer Cause”. Soon, the News Journal will be moving into their new location at the Studer World Headquarters Building, and the consumption of all of Pensacola’s media outlets will be complete. Quinty will no longer have to drive over to the News Journal building to deliver that paper’s editorial content. All he will have to do is walk down the hall…..
Reply
Pinky says:
March 3, 2014 at 2:14 pm
And, the best news of all… Amazon reports anticipated Studer books sales to skyrocket as Studer Municipal Services Partnership employees purchase ‘recommended reading’ on how to work as a Stepford Studerite.
Reply
Last edited by Mr Ichi on 3/3/2014, 10:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
