I think we need a joke thread here at PDF

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore, either."

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

There once was a young man from Boston
Who drove a little white Austin
He has room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls fell out and he lost'm

Yomama wrote:You just can't make this shit up. Man's penis stolen while he was sleeping.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/24/fei-lin-penis_n_1699017.html

I didnt take it!

An elderly couple show up at the doctors office and were put together in an exam room. The doctor entered the room and ask, "What can I do for you today." The elderly gentleman said, "Well doc, ya see we're going to be getting married and we like you to observe us having sex and make sure we're up to it and doing it OK." The doctor said "it's a unusual request but sure .....go ahead." After the elderly couple had sex the doctor said, you guys are just fine. I don't see any problems. The couple said thank you and went on their way. Two weeks later the same couple showed up at the doctors office with the same request. The doctor said, "I watched you two have sex two weeks ago and I saw nothing unusual." The old man said, "We just want to be really sure there's no problems." The doctor said, "OK" but I didn't see any problems last time. Once again after the couple had sex the doctor reassured them there was no problems. After another two weeks had passed the couple once again showed up with the same request. When the doctor entered the exam room he said, "Look folks, I've assured there's not a problem." The old man pleaded, Please, We'd both feel better if you'd observe us this one more time. The doctor shook his head and said OK. Again the results were as the doctor expected and he sent the elderly couple on their way. After another two weeks had passed by the elderly couple once again showed up with the same request. This time when the doctor entered the exam room he said, "Alright you two, this game has gone on long enough. Whats going on." The elderly gentleman fidgeted with his wristwatch and said, "You're right doc, there is no sex problem between us. Look, we needed a place to have sex and my uncle lives with me so we can't be at my place. And she's rented out a room to a college student, so we can't have sex at her place. The Holiday Inn charges $78.00 for a room which we can't afford. So we come here and have sex. We come here and you charge us $25.00, Medicare reimburses us $28.00 so we end up having sex here and still come out $3.00 ahead.

All I want for my Birthday...

What game is this ?

There once was a young lady from Cape Cod
Who thought all children come from God
But it wasn't the Almighty
That lifted her nighty
It was Roger the lodger by God

TEOTWAWKI wrote:

lol.. that reminds me off those old shows where they used insinuations.

it also reminded me of benny hill hehe..

I do not like this Uncle Sam,

I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks,

or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,

I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like ex-speaker Nan ,

I do not like this 'YES, WE CAN!'

I do not like this spending spree ---

I'm smart; I know that nothing's free.

I do not like your smug replies,

when we complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.

I do not like it --- nope, nope, nope!

Go Green –recycle the White House

Slicef18 wrote:I do not like this Uncle Sam,

I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks,

or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,

I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like ex-speaker Nan ,

I do not like this 'YES, WE CAN!'

I do not like this spending spree ---

I'm smart; I know that nothing's free.

I do not like your smug replies,

when we complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.

I do not like it --- nope, nope, nope!

Go Green –recycle the White House

I do not like their secret ways

Rights leave, hubris stays

Here cameras and there bugs

TSA and other thugs

Yomama wrote:

The Morgan Freeman piece shows it was the words of Titty Sprinkles.
Now that sounds like some confection you'd buy at a movie theater.
"I'll have a large popcorn with butter and a box of Titty Sprinkles."

Slicef18 wrote:

Yomama wrote:

The Morgan Freeman piece shows it was the words of Titty Sprinkles.
Now that sounds like some confection you'd buy at a movie theater.
"I'll have a large popcorn with butter and a box of Titty Sprinkles."

Ive had titty sprinkles before

Chrissy8 wrote:

Slicef18 wrote:

Yomama wrote:

The Morgan Freeman piece shows it was the words of Titty Sprinkles.
Now that sounds like some confection you'd buy at a movie theater.
"I'll have a large popcorn with butter and a box of Titty Sprinkles."

Ive had titty sprinkles before

I've had em' and given em'!

I prefer to lalalaliiiick 'em off with extreme prejudice.

There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who was seducing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid air

The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck dairy farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and
how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay
him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the
mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes
about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope
with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Department of Labor employee: That's the guy I want to talk to... the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.

Two nuns were riding bicycles to a small store near the their convent.
There was no money for gasoline so they always rode.
One of the nuns spoke up,
"Sister, have you ever come this way?"
"Sister, I think it must be the cobblestone surface."