Last visit with my mother

My mother turns 88 in July. She almost died two years ago with a serious blood clot in her legs after suffering a bleeder in her intestines. I went down to visit her at the time, and did not think she would survive. The fight in each of us for life to continue is an amazing force to watch. She recovered and at 88 still drives around Sun City Az. I suggest that anyone visiting a retirement community in AZ who is driving take a defensive driving course. Folks blow through stop signs regularly, and you must always be on guard, but I am certain of one universal truth......old people do not want their kids telling them that they need to stop driving.

I play poker. I make no excuses. My mother and a lot of old people enjoy playing slot machines. I do not understand that.....but on my way to the poker rooms all over this country I see folks in walkers and canes getting every bit of life they can capture in their final years. So, I take her to a casino to play slots and give her $150.00 so my brother will not give me a lecture about the evils of gaming. I watch her and the hundreds of folks in their 80s in trances over those slots......I do not get it.....but she was happy and talkative.

As much as each of us want our interactions with our family members to always be pleasant and loving.....well sometimes......it is really hard. As people age they seem to hold on to the worst traits and abandon those wonderful traits of youth......I am not saying this universal, because my grandmother become even more enjoyable as she aged.....but my mother....well......four days of gritting my teeth and being the good son made for a good visit......my last, and I have experienced a sense of relief. It is always a blessing to say and do the things which are important to you and make sure others understand the same.......but I had an opportunity many will not have......so my words of wisdom for today, is do not let those irritations in families get in the way of kind words and spending some time with your family......you too can grit your teeth, but in the end, we all will gain strength from family despite the irritations.

How do you know its your last visit?

I agree with you about having to grit our teeth with our families sometimes. Its important to have family, even if they may not subscribe to your own way of thinking.

My entire family all lives within 50 miles of each other with the exception of me and my group. sometimes im gratful for that and sometimes I am not.

glad you had a good trip, seems your as senile as ever though

Senile......yes, that might be part of it......my mother gave me a lecture about staying out all night playing poker.......I felt like I was 16. I tried to explain that it is something I enjoy, and well.....I win. She thought that it was not a good decision being sick to be playing poker all night.......but the conversation with all these new people......priceless.....especially at 4 am.

I agree with not letting irritations get in the way of family.. It's soooooo stupid to hold grudges over things said about Dems and Repubs, family favoritism, (IF there is any) or any other differces.. NOTHING you can do will change what either one believes.

I would be lying if I told you that my mother was driving me, my wife, and my daughter to be committed. It would have been easy to interact in a negative way. It really took an effort on all our parts to keep the visit positive and happy. The effort was well worth it......but family knows how to push buttons......and sometimes you simply have to step back and be the big boy.

2seaoat wrote:Senile......yes, that might be part of it......my mother gave me a lecture about staying out all night playing poker.......I felt like I was 16. I tried to explain that it is something I enjoy, and well.....I win. She thought that it was not a good decision being sick to be playing poker all night.......but the conversation with all these new people......priceless.....especially at 4 am.

LOL.... thats cute. you got a take care of yourself lecture. got to love that.

Mothers just care. Thats good, she loves you and your still her little boy you know.

Youre still doing what you want. I suppose its good youve created this wonderful outlook in your mind about the state of the union. youre seeing all these people you say playing poker, they are happy, they are now below middle class but still playing poker so the country is fine. What you dont see is some of them have a serious addiction to gambling and they are gambling thier food money away, or rent money. sure they are content while playing poker and talking bs. but i wouldnt judge the state of the country on a bunch of poker players.

My guess is your mother wouldnt either.

Good night

but i wouldnt judge the state of the country on a bunch of poker players.

Well, I did go up the mountain also.......I like the poker room better.

I agree buit it helps if BOTH sides step back once in a while, not just 1 every time..

I feel the need to share something relevant to the story Mr. Oats shared. It is a story of life which comes in every flavor . . . . . one of my closest friends, a distinguished graduate of the Naval Academy, fighter pilot, followed by a 2nd career with FeDex flying DC-10's. His mother passed away last Monday at age 94 in Savannah. . . . . he drove all night to see her before the inevitable but to no avail . . . . . on arriving at his parent's home his father (age 94) was fast asleep but his mother, who passed away only hours earlier, remained on her bed with eyes open and rigor mortise setting in, was horrified. His father who was a wing commander in Europe had a history of being a horse's behind throughout his life had always resented his son's success and accused him of wanting to take 'control' of the situation . . . . . absurd . . . . . demanded he leave his house or he would call the police . . . . . . dysfunction square , , , , , a father who should be swelling with pride with having a son who, without his encouragement, aspired to be a naval aviator and succeeded, followed by a career with FeDex . . . . . and he is pissed off. I asked if it is dementia . . . no it has always been this way . . . he hates everything and everybody. I console him that he has had material success in his life, he has been a good and loyal son, and he needs to turn his cheek to a father who did not have the capacity to show affection, support, pride for a son, or gratitude for a family who loves him in spite of his fatal flaws.

knothead wrote:I feel the need to share something relevant to the story Mr. Oats shared. It is a story of life which comes in every flavor . . . . . one of my closest friends, a distinguished graduate of the Naval Academy, fighter pilot, followed by a 2nd career with FeDex flying DC-10's. His mother passed away last Monday at age 94 in Savannah. . . . . he drove all night to see her before the inevitable but to no avail . . . . . on arriving at his parent's home his father (age 94) was fast asleep but his mother, who passed away only hours earlier, remained on her bed with eyes open and rigor mortise setting in, was horrified. His father who was a wing commander in Europe had a history of being a horse's behind throughout his life had always resented his son's success and accused him of wanting to take 'control' of the situation . . . . . absurd . . . . . demanded he leave his house or he would call the police . . . . . . dysfunction square , , , , , a father who should be swelling with pride with having a son who, without his encouragement, aspired to be a naval aviator and succeeded, followed by a career with FeDex . . . . . and he is pissed off. I asked if it is dementia . . . no it has always been this way . . . he hates everything and everybody. I console him that he has had material success in his life, he has been a good and loyal son, and he needs to turn his cheek to a father who did not have the capacity to show affection, support, pride for a son, or gratitude for a family who loves him in spite of his fatal flaws.

**************************************************

I get a neg here? Who is my nemesis and why?

I thought my visit was tough........he had a tough visit. No, I agree. Some of the very negative things about a person are often excused in old age. People think because they are old they can be rude or mean spirited and that age somehow insulates them. If his father was simply showing signs of dementia, he could have rationalized those terrible moments.....but sadly some things simply cannot be fixed. I hope he can have a reconciliation with his father before the end.

knothead wrote:

knothead wrote:I feel the need to share something relevant to the story Mr. Oats shared. It is a story of life which comes in every flavor . . . . . one of my closest friends, a distinguished graduate of the Naval Academy, fighter pilot, followed by a 2nd career with FeDex flying DC-10's. His mother passed away last Monday at age 94 in Savannah. . . . . he drove all night to see her before the inevitable but to no avail . . . . . on arriving at his parent's home his father (age 94) was fast asleep but his mother, who passed away only hours earlier, remained on her bed with eyes open and rigor mortise setting in, was horrified. His father who was a wing commander in Europe had a history of being a horse's behind throughout his life had always resented his son's success and accused him of wanting to take 'control' of the situation . . . . . absurd . . . . . demanded he leave his house or he would call the police . . . . . . dysfunction square , , , , , a father who should be swelling with pride with having a son who, without his encouragement, aspired to be a naval aviator and succeeded, followed by a career with FeDex . . . . . and he is pissed off. I asked if it is dementia . . . no it has always been this way . . . he hates everything and everybody. I console him that he has had material success in his life, he has been a good and loyal son, and he needs to turn his cheek to a father who did not have the capacity to show affection, support, pride for a son, or gratitude for a family who loves him in spite of his fatal flaws.

**************************************************

I get a neg here? Who is my nemesis and why?

Don't worry about the negs...they're meaningless. I hate to say this...I really do...but sometimes there are people in a family who will blame everything and everyone else for their problems. They're bloodsuckers. And sometimes you have to walk away from them to survive.

2seaoat wrote:I thought my visit was tough........he had a tough visit. No, I agree. Some of the very negative things about a person are often excused in old age. People think because they are old they can be rude or mean spirited and that age somehow insulates them. If his father was simply showing signs of dementia, he could have rationalized those terrible moments.....but sadly some things simply cannot be fixed. I hope he can have a reconciliation with his father before the end.

I just hope I don't turn bitter and mean-spirited when I really get old.

Chrissy wrote:How do you know its your last visit?

I agree with you about having to grit our teeth with our families sometimes. Its important to have family, even if they may not subscribe to your own way of thinking.

My entire family all lives within 50 miles of each other with the exception of me and my group. sometimes im gratful for that and sometimes I am not.

glad you had a good trip, seems your as senile as ever though

I bet your family does that on a daily basis w/ you. Seaoat tells a story about his trip and you have to call senile?

Seaoat, I'm glad you spent time with your mother and brother. Old habits .....are hard to change.

ForidaTexan, I think nasty old people were nasty young people and happy old people were happy young people.

Knot, I would not worry about the negative. Whoever gave it to you is nasty today and they will be nasty when they're old.

I just hope I don't turn bitter and mean-spirited when I really get old.

I will die in my early 60s.....everything still works, and I am filled with joy.....however at 88, you have seen so many loved ones go.....things do not work......and tomorrow will be worse than today.......it is as natural as the sun coming up that people get depressed and mean spirited......sometimes dying young is not all that bad.

2seaoat wrote:I just hope I don't turn bitter and mean-spirited when I really get old.

I will die in my early 60s.....everything still works, and I am filled with joy.....however at 88, you have seen so many loved ones go.....things do not work......and tomorrow will be worse than today.......it is as natural as the sun coming up that people get depressed and mean spirited......sometimes dying young is not all that bad.

I think about that when I see stories of people who live to be over 100. They've usually outlived a spouse or two, outlived one or more of their children, and maybe even some of their grandchildren.

Floridatexan wrote:

knothead wrote:

knothead wrote:I feel the need to share something relevant to the story Mr. Oats shared. It is a story of life which comes in every flavor . . . . . one of my closest friends, a distinguished graduate of the Naval Academy, fighter pilot, followed by a 2nd career with FeDex flying DC-10's. His mother passed away last Monday at age 94 in Savannah. . . . . he drove all night to see her before the inevitable but to no avail . . . . . on arriving at his parent's home his father (age 94) was fast asleep but his mother, who passed away only hours earlier, remained on her bed with eyes open and rigor mortise setting in, was horrified. His father who was a wing commander in Europe had a history of being a horse's behind throughout his life had always resented his son's success and accused him of wanting to take 'control' of the situation . . . . . absurd . . . . . demanded he leave his house or he would call the police . . . . . . dysfunction square , , , , , a father who should be swelling with pride with having a son who, without his encouragement, aspired to be a naval aviator and succeeded, followed by a career with FeDex . . . . . and he is pissed off. I asked if it is dementia . . . no it has always been this way . . . he hates everything and everybody. I console him that he has had material success in his life, he has been a good and loyal son, and he needs to turn his cheek to a father who did not have the capacity to show affection, support, pride for a son, or gratitude for a family who loves him in spite of his fatal flaws.

**************************************************

I get a neg here? Who is my nemesis and why?

Don't worry about the negs...they're meaningless. I hate to say this...I really do...but sometimes there are people in a family who will blame everything and everyone else for their problems. They're bloodsuckers. And sometimes you have to walk away from them to survive.

********************************************************

Thank you FT, as a loyal friend I advise he must remember to honor thy father and to turn his cheek despite it his nature, senility, or irrationality, be a good a loyal son to the end.

2seaoat wrote:I just hope I don't turn bitter and mean-spirited when I really get old.

I will die in my early 60s.....everything still works, and I am filled with joy.....however at 88, you have seen so many loved ones go.....things do not work......and tomorrow will be worse than today.......it is as natural as the sun coming up that people get depressed and mean spirited......sometimes dying young is not all that bad.

**********************************************************

Mr. Oats, I am saddened for your illness and your destiny . . . . . nothing different than any of us except you know it will come sooner rather than later . . . . . that said I completely agree with the prospect of living a long but tortuous life. . . .. long after any meaningful quality has long departed. This summer, at our summer place, my dear friend and neighbor was not feeling well . . . . . I knew that and came over to talk with him . . . .he assured me he was fine . . . . . I told him to call if he needed me anyone . . . . . 30 minutes later I told my wife I was worried about him and thought I would walk over to check in on him . . . . .. he had fallen over from a cerebral hemorrhagic and was gone . . . . . age 69 . . . . sad yes . . . a blessing absolutely. I was a pallbearer on a snowy day to lay my friend to his final resting place . . . . . a blessing escaping a life of torture being a captive in an inoperable body. RIP my friend . . . . .

2seaoat wrote:I just hope I don't turn bitter and mean-spirited when I really get old.

I will die in my early 60s.....everything still works, and I am filled with joy.....however at 88, you have seen so many loved ones go.....things do not work......and tomorrow will be worse than today.......it is as natural as the sun coming up that people get depressed and mean spirited......sometimes dying young is not all that bad.

Can I ask why your filled w/ joy? I'm just curious.

knothead wrote:

2seaoat wrote:I just hope I don't turn bitter and mean-spirited when I really get old.

I will die in my early 60s.....everything still works, and I am filled with joy.....however at 88, you have seen so many loved ones go.....things do not work......and tomorrow will be worse than today.......it is as natural as the sun coming up that people get depressed and mean spirited......sometimes dying young is not all that bad.

**********************************************************

Mr. Oats, I am saddened for your illness and your destiny . . . . . nothing different than any of us except you know it will come sooner rather than later . . . . . that said I completely agree with the prospect of living a long but tortuous life. . . .. long after any meaningful quality has long departed. This summer, at our summer place, my dear friend and neighbor was not feeling well . . . . . I knew that and came over to talk with him . . . .he assured me he was fine . . . . . I told him to call if he needed me anyone . . . . . 30 minutes later I told my wife I was worried about him and thought I would walk over to check in on him . . . . .. he had fallen over from a cerebral hemorrhagic and was gone . . . . . age 69 . . . . sad yes . . . a blessing absolutely. I was a pallbearer on a snowy day to lay my friend to his final resting place . . . . . a blessing escaping a life of torture being a captive in an inoperable body. RIP my friend . . . . .

I'm sorry,Knothead. I agree w/ you. I would rather have a shorter life than one plagued by illness and despair. It is sad about both your friends.

Dreamsglore wrote:

knothead wrote:

2seaoat wrote:I just hope I don't turn bitter and mean-spirited when I really get old.

I will die in my early 60s.....everything still works, and I am filled with joy.....however at 88, you have seen so many loved ones go.....things do not work......and tomorrow will be worse than today.......it is as natural as the sun coming up that people get depressed and mean spirited......sometimes dying young is not all that bad.

**********************************************************

Mr. Oats, I am saddened for your illness and your destiny . . . . . nothing different than any of us except you know it will come sooner rather than later . . . . . that said I completely agree with the prospect of living a long but tortuous life. . . .. long after any meaningful quality has long departed. This summer, at our summer place, my dear friend and neighbor was not feeling well . . . . . I knew that and came over to talk with him . . . .he assured me he was fine . . . . . I told him to call if he needed me anyone . . . . . 30 minutes later I told my wife I was worried about him and thought I would walk over to check in on him . . . . .. he had fallen over from a cerebral hemorrhagic and was gone . . . . . age 69 . . . . sad yes . . . a blessing absolutely. I was a pallbearer on a snowy day to lay my friend to his final resting place . . . . . a blessing escaping a life of torture being a captive in an inoperable body. RIP my friend . . . . .

I'm sorry,Knothead. I agree w/ you. I would rather have a shorter life than one plagued by illness and despair. It is sad about both your friends.

*************************************************

Thank you dreams . . . . . it is appreciated by me!

I had an uncle that was like a brother to me. He became so fearful of death after his Mom and Dad passed (my grandparents) that he started drinking very heavily. He wanted to be drunk when the time came. He woke up early one morning sober, got a cup of coffee went into the living room. He went to sit down in his recliner missed the chair and never got up.... dead of heart failure....I heard a saying once...come to terms with death after that all things are possible...the other saying I like is a.. brave man dies but once but a coward dies a thousand times....

knothead wrote:

Dreamsglore wrote:

knothead wrote:

2seaoat wrote:I just hope I don't turn bitter and mean-spirited when I really get old.

I will die in my early 60s.....everything still works, and I am filled with joy.....however at 88, you have seen so many loved ones go.....things do not work......and tomorrow will be worse than today.......it is as natural as the sun coming up that people get depressed and mean spirited......sometimes dying young is not all that bad.

**********************************************************

Mr. Oats, I am saddened for your illness and your destiny . . . . . nothing different than any of us except you know it will come sooner rather than later . . . . . that said I completely agree with the prospect of living a long but tortuous life. . . .. long after any meaningful quality has long departed. This summer, at our summer place, my dear friend and neighbor was not feeling well . . . . . I knew that and came over to talk with him . . . .he assured me he was fine . . . . . I told him to call if he needed me anyone . . . . . 30 minutes later I told my wife I was worried about him and thought I would walk over to check in on him . . . . .. he had fallen over from a cerebral hemorrhagic and was gone . . . . . age 69 . . . . sad yes . . . a blessing absolutely. I was a pallbearer on a snowy day to lay my friend to his final resting place . . . . . a blessing escaping a life of torture being a captive in an inoperable body. RIP my friend . . . . .

I'm sorry,Knothead. I agree w/ you. I would rather have a shorter life than one plagued by illness and despair. It is sad about both your friends.

*************************************************

Thank you dreams . . . . . it is appreciated by me!

You're a nice man. Why can't everybody be like you? LOL!

TEOTWAWKI wrote:I had an uncle that was like a brother to me. He became so fearful of death after his Mom and Dad passed (my grandparents) that he started drinking very heavily. He wanted to be drunk when the time came. He woke up early one morning sober, got a cup of coffee went into the living room. He went to sit down in his recliner missed the chair and never got up.... dead of heart failure....I heard a saying once...come to terms with death after that all things are possible...the other saying I like is a.. brave man dies but once but a coward dies a thousand times....

It's the pain I don't want. Heart attacks are painful.