time is getting short

Monday, Monday. So sorry for the pain, Sea, and for its cruel reminder of your mortality. Hoping for a much better day for you tomorrow. Let us know how many oysters you can down! Wonder where they get them from in IL -- surely you must know. Lake Michigan??

swelling in ankles and weakness. Probably doing too much, but I am hopeful we can get food calories up the next two days. full boat got me back to even which is remarkable as I was getting whooped. Eyesight blurred. Easily bleeding from scabs and the blood is lighter than normal. I guess I have to have some hope because I am still alive and the doctors are telling me it is still a couple of months out before PRRT reaches peak killing power on the tumors. The tail bone met is miserable. There has been a vent hole right on the tailbone and I cannot sleep at night between mrs. seaoat's snoring.

It is hard to socialize when you heart is starting to lose interest in people. I am finding the conversation incredibly boring and even among my high school buddies on our online poker game, just is not as much fun. the doctors were surprised that my ankles had not swollen, but they have now. The heart valve issue begin next with the high hormones over a long time. I am generally keeping good spirits, but I am so tired and weak.

Talk to your doctor about a gastric feeding tube. This will give you the calories you desperately need.

I remember the biafrican starving children with bloated stomachs and skeletons, and to think I will die of the same malnutrition......here is what is left...

You keep ignoring the gastric tube.

Thank you for trusting us with this picture, Sea. It's of course disturbing -- I do so hate that you're having to see this happening to your body -- but actually it's not quite as terrible as I'd feared from all your descriptions. So, as they say, where there's life, there's hope, and I'll hold onto some of that while the PRRT does its thing.

Still eating oysters?

You should probably answer nurse Joani on the gastric tube, though I can imagine what your response might be. We just all want to make it better somehow...you understand, I'm sure.

The gastric tube has not been recommended by the doc because the hormone levels have to go down for my appetite to improve.

Although I went from eighty to twenty thousand on the hormones, I survived this disease nicely at eight hundred. I cannot lift myself anymore without about half failure. this means I need someone around and my independence is going away.
we will try Jummers for three nights and then take my SIL and family out for his birthday dinner. I will take better pictures at Jummers as the Holiday inn did not have much room for a photo.

The pain some mornings in my spine with the bone mets is simply unbearable. You can see my spine as the muscle and fatty tissue are no longer on my back to when I lay down the liver and bone met tumors are painful as I lay down and move around to seek relief. Mrs. Seaoat is cutting foam which she will place around some of the tumors so I can sleep. They have told me from the beginning not being able to get up will be the beginning of a rather fast decline and ultimately a coma. We have the med pot and morphine keeping the pain manageable, but some days....nothing helps. The battle now is to keep moving. Friends and family are awaiting me to give up as they see how weak I have become, but so long as the prrt has max kill rate next month of my cancer cells.....I have to gut out this starvation and pain.

My heart goes out to you across the many miles, Sea. You're an amazing trooper. I don't know what else to say at this juncture, except to wish for you the strength to keep holding on for as long as you still have hope yourself.

I know it was never to be, but here's admitting I'll always be sorry we were never able to meet in person. On the other hand, if you somehow pull off a miraculous recovery, maybe I'll convince you to let us locals throw you a great little welcome home party.

Give it hell!

RealLindaL wrote:My heart goes out to you across the many miles, Sea.  You're an amazing trooper.   I don't know what else to say at this juncture, except to wish for you the strength to keep holding on for as long as you still have hope yourself.  

I know it was never to be, but here's admitting I'll always be sorry we were never able to meet in person.  On the other hand, if you somehow pull off a miraculous recovery, maybe I'll convince you to let us locals throw you a great little welcome home party.

Give it hell!

I join RLL and Knot.

I do understand about the gastric/small intestinal tube.

Took a beating on the tables. Worse loss in over a year. Pain was unbearable and I think the correlation is simple. If I cannot get pain under control, I am going to have to quit playing cards. I mean, my slippage is happening so quickly, it probably will not matter.

So very sorry, Sea. Gambling losses be damned, but for you to be suffering unbearable pain is just heartbreaking. Perhaps you can sleep tonight with the aid of Mrs. Seaoat's foam cutouts, and maybe you'll have a much better day tomorrow. I dearly hope it will be so. Let us know.

truffle fries were very good. I cannot eat fries because of the gagging but the fries called truffle fries where I believe they are fried in truffle oil. Awful day at the tables which we figured would catch up with almost six months of winning. Bone met on tailbone is getting impossible. Taking sil and family out to dinner friday night. Really cannot put any weight on. though my appetite has improved, but today the mucus reaction was horrible and I got two bites of these delicious slider burgers on the happy hour menu........I was hungry but could not keep anything down. I am sipping wine now which is not good on the liver but it is nice and clears my palate.

Hey, if the wine is comforting, I say go for it. Whatever works!

Heading in for a late shower now (was storming earlier) and then to bed. Looking forward to hearing you have a better day Friday and a nice time out to dinner. Hope the pain will leave you alone for a change.

Glad to know you still have some appetite; just wish your body would let you properly satisfy it!

Goodnight and sweet dreams,
LL

warned that my weakness probably would not survive tonights birthday dinner, so I will rest. Ankles are really swelling now. The hormones have been attacking my valves and about thirty percent of the fatalities at the end involve valve failure. Some docs do the valve surgery ......no big deal, but not in this weak state, and not when the hormones will attack the valves immediately. too many other failures to worry about the valves right now. It is a miracle that I am alive in March.

2seaoat wrote:It is a miracle that I am alive in March.

Here's to more miracles!

The decision to rest sounds like a wise one.

Hope you have a decent night! Will be thinking of you.

Oatie, I've been checking in here to see how you're doing every so often but I have to ask you. Considering the amount of suffering you're going through I'm curious as to the point of it? I know you believe you're going to a better place so why are you enduring the suffering?

The desire and will to live.

Joanimaroni wrote:The desire and will to live.

Right, Joani.   Add to that the data on the onerous PRRT radiation treatments Sea underwent, that shows its greatest tumor-fighting effectiveness is still about a month away.  He's holding onto hope that it may yet kick in for him, and that's more than perfectly reasonable, seems to me.

But it doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks. These decisions are eminently and intimately personal, as each of us faces death alone.  Far be it from ANY of us, for Pete's sake, to judge.

I asked Oatie. I'd like to know his reason. I know you want to hear every last gory detail of this suffering for some morbid reason Linda but it's a reasonable question when someone is suffering.

Vikingwoman wrote:I know you want to hear every last gory detail of this suffering for some morbid reason Linda

Shame on you! That remark was entirely uncalled for.

As for Seaoat, the question has been asked and answered by him more than once, if you were paying attention.

I know you believe you're going to a better place so why are you enduring the suffering.

First of all the concept of "you". You alive and you dead are unknown. My faith in God is beyond the simple concept of heaven. I believe in energy, science, and god and that my death only changes the form of that energy. Matthew six folks believe you are in constant contact with god in life and I simply believe the same in death. Dreams....read matthew six. It is simple. Jesus and God historically as reported in the scriptures only spoke less than 200 times, and matthew six is part of the sermon on the mount. Direct communication that all BS is hypocrisy, and many a person will stand up and tell you about a better place........how idiotic is the concept of heaven when it is embellished by the hypocrites who pick and choose what they think is important and that God is static. God is dynamic. I do not fear death, I do fear pain.

The Biafrian belly is really getting scary. I am not saying I had a six pack in my sixties, but this belly and the skeleton arms are just getting worse each day. Now my fear of pain does not mean my thresholds have changed, rather it is just so exhausting and times unbearable, but as my body rots away my character stays strong. I choose life and not in any tough guy projection because I wake up each morning with dried tears on my face. I try to hide my pain from my wife, but she sees it......feels it........and now is showing serious signs of depression and confusion. It is easy to talk cancer, but to the caretakers of this world......god bless each and every one, and Dreams in the end you are questioning if I am stubborn........have you learned nothing from my lessons.

To the extent the reporting on this journey since the lung was removed almost a decade ago, I hoped to honestly give information which nobody ever provided me. I understand I probably should have not shown the photo, which was the least shocking from many photos.

Listen folks when you get this sick, it makes folks very uncomfortable. My visitors have dropped off to about a quarter of what they were. I have my oldest living friend.....we met in fifth grade in scouting and have been in constant contact in our lives. He is traveling from Florida and will spend a couple days with us. This is important for Mrs. seaoat who is suffering from depression. She put the wrong medicine in my pill box, she moved all my sanitary supplies after I asked her not to touch anything, she drove through a giant pot hole going into the gas station and slowly navigated it, got out to fill up the car and she realized she was backward for gas, I ask for a food, she brings something different. She is getting lost in the car about every fifth trip......wrong turn, or in the case of the quad cities she drove around in circles while I was at the hotel and she was getting soup. Should have been ten minutes, an hour and a half later she was there with cool soup.

We are taking affirmative steps to deal with this depression. She is joining the Y. She is joining a yoga class with high school girlfriends. she joined a kayak club, and she has her breakfast club. I am fine alone.....I need alone time. The daughter is going to grief sessions, and my son is showing deep seated signs of depression and what was just a few beers into a full blown alcoholic. So a slow death can be hard on all those you love but life is precious whether I am winning at the tables or losing.

Seaoat, I hate what you're going through and check in here often but am usually at a loss for words. To answer Viking, survival is built into our DNA.

My suggestions: microgreens, smoothies made with Greek yogurt (more protein), bananas, berries, ground flax seed or chia seeds, plenty of raw veggies, fresh fish, especially salmon. Three meals a day plus snacks...as much as you can tolerate. I hope the weather improves so you can get outside more. Take care of yourself. I'm praying for you.

Vikingwoman wrote:I asked Oatie. I'd like to know his reason. I know you want to hear every last gory detail of this suffering for some morbid reason Linda but it's a reasonable question when someone is suffering.

No, it's not a reasonable question for a stranger on an internet forum to ask. It's totally inappropriate. He may not want to leave his family and they may not be ready for him to leave yet. It's obvious he thinks they still need his help, which is totally unselfish.  Some people don't want to hurry up the pain their families will suffer, even if they believe it is inevitable.
But no matter what his reasons are,  it's not your business why.
He owes YOU nor anyone on this forum any explanation. 

My own mother lived in hell for years, completely blind, unable to walk and barely to hear. She could not feed herself nor take care of any of her bodily needs. She believed strongly in heaven. But the only thing that made her decide to give it up, at the age of 95, was that she was going to have to have a feeding tube. She said no. She died 8 days later. No one, even her kids, were allowed to question why she made that decision. It was not OUR business either.


Of all the rude things, in all the years I've been around these places, I think you just surpassed the previously most rude.