How are you feeling, Seaoat?

Hope you are doing better. Please know, you are thought of every day!

just quietly winding down. Posting has become difficult.

I am so sorry. Wishing you strength!

Joanimaroni wrote:I am so sorry. Wishing you strength!

...and comfort, and peace. You are never far from my thoughts, Sea.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, but I am quite comfortable. Yes, I am weakening, but we will try to pick up our free turkey at the casino friday. It will be the first time I have left the house in two weeks. We will also get a free buffet, and if able I will play cards. Wheelchair restricted, but something to look forward. My vision is getting very bad, and two days ago my temples kind of collapsed to where my skull is sunken. Interesting journey. Lot more fun in the absence of pain.

I'm glad you're somewhat comfortable now... and hope that you can play some cards. It's nice to just be preoccupied by a game. We've already gotten a lot of snow. I'm almost packed up and ready to go south. It's been a nice time up here. Eagles and loons and lots of family visits. It's chaos... but so worth it.

Sea, hope you're up to a brief report at some point on how the casino excursion went today, if you went, and how you're doing.

won $150, got a nice sized turkey, and wife enjoyed a buffet. Wheelchair got me to tables, and got to car ok. Was very weak and tired, but huge getting out of the house. We will probably be going full hospice in the next two weeks based on lost of strength in legs.

Very glad you were able to make it and even win some bucks!  Good for you (and Mrs. Seaoat)!

Not so glad, of course, about the loss of leg strength and the plan for "full hospice," (presume/hope you still mean at home), but from everything you've told us I guess it was pretty much inevitable.  {{{sigh}}}

What a trooper.

Hope you're sleeping well.  I'm falling asleep at the keyboard so will sign off 'til tomorrow.

Goodnight all,
LL

I'm glad that you got out too. Hope the game distracted you for a bit.

We have a birthday party to go to this evening, and I have decided although I did well with the casino, I just get tired of talking and kind of go comatose which is a real downer for people who have not seen me in months.  I will stay home although I need the social contact, but my tailbone bone mets are really becoming quite painful whether I sit, lay, or even walk.   I was hopeful the PRRT radiation treatment could attack the bone mets as they are the most painful process in this dying thing.  I have only used the liquid morphine four times in over a week and a half.  I believe it attacks my liver and overloads it in light of my tumor load on the liver.   I have been doubling up the medical pot and have been doing pretty good, and have learned how in the lazy boy to cross my legs when lying down which takes pressure off the tailbone.  I have also been using a heating pad to deal with the cramping and it has helped.  Dec 12th is the final prrt.  I never thought I could survive this long.  Yesterday was a huge day for me getting out of the house.  This poor old beaten up body.  I am about to go below 180 lbs from 245lbs which was my high point before the wasting.  That is twenty pounds additional loss in five weeks.  I could definitely get an extra job as a concentration camp skeleton.  You do not realize how much you need human contact until it becomes increasingly more difficult.  Well this is as much as I have written in two weeks.

This has been really hard on Mrs. Seaoat. She probably saw me cry once in forty five years of marriage, yet she comes in the morning and sees the tears in my eyes constantly. I try to hide the pain because I do not want her to suffer. We still have our sense of humor. I am becoming confused as to day and time. So I am often asking Mrs. Seaoat what day it is .........and I am wrong as to time and date. After asking her on Thursday if it was Wed for the third time, she turned to me and said "its F'ing Thursday".......we have not stopped laughing about F'ng Thursdays.......life is so much fun.....

I am rapidly losing strength in my arms. It is difficult to pick up the laptop, and my fingers tire quickly when typing.

Have the grandsons for two days. The grandkids are visibly getting upset with my appearance when walking. When I am in my chair they do not see the decline. My oldest granddaughter looked horrified friday.......my visits will soon end. You get so tired with your organs failing and body wasting. My wife is so pained and both kids have had reality hit. I just do not understand how I remain alive. The human body is amazing as it clings to life, but it is really difficult as you are simply wasting away with your brain mostly still working until the end. It is really getting difficult to make it to the bathroom on my own. Hospice meeting this week on getting the house set up for the end with a hospital bed which we are putting right next to the bathroo

Thank you, Sea, for posting your thoughts even though it's increasingly difficult.  I absolutely agree with your assessment about the human body's tenacious clinging to life despite all the deterioration it's suffering.  Amazing indeed, but in some part, in your case, it seems it has to do with YOU and your Energizer Bunny mentality.   I almost get the feeling that you could decide whether to stay or go at some point, and instruct your body accordingly.  

It's interesting (in a sad way, of course) to hear of the increasing distress of your loved ones as reality truly sets in.   I see a parallel, faint repeat of that situation here on the board.  We've become so accustomed to having you keep on keeping on, despite past episodes of pain and weakness, that reading of the near approach of the end is...well, I don't know how to describe it.  It's becoming more real but still tough to accept.  

We of course can't see the physical deterioration that your family does, and, as you indicate, your mind is still working just fine and that's what we can see. Hearing of things like the new hospital bed arrangements helps with grasping the approach of the day when we'll no longer have you to talk with.  I for one certainly don't look forward to that time.

I've said my goodbyes in the recent past and I think you know how I feel about having known you all these years, and how much I'll miss you.  Right now I'm just very grateful for every day, really every hour, you can manage to keep in touch with us, and thank you again for the effort, difficult though it surely is.

We could almost think you really care about all us forum ghosts.  

Very well stated post. I agree with RLL.

Good to know, Joani, and thanks for saying.

Snow

I hate winter. We have the grandsons and it sounds like they will be doing snowmen by Monday. Wife has to get them to school in the snow......I just lay here watching the snow on the security monitors. The first snow is always beautiful, but it gets old very quick. I wish I could travel, but staying warm and toasty inside works for me.

Enjoy the cold and the indoor warmth.

Can't say as I miss the snow, though you're right, Sea, the first one is always lovely - for a while.

Do you have a TV in the room where you are, and/or listen to radio? Just trying to picture.

Here, on the bottom tail of the big storm moving across the country, we have rain and almost 70 degrees, but after the front passes, tomorrow's high will be only 55 degrees, with 15 - 25 mph winds, and a low tomorrow night in the upper 30's.

Boy's school cancelled because of snow. They will be building snowman in the morning. I am having real trouble with time and dates. Increasingly weak, but a very good visit with the boys as the snow on the deck is really starting to pile up. Dog hates the snow.

Would love to see a pic of that snowman! So glad you had a good visit. The kids will never forget.
As for trouble with dates/time, heck, I have trouble like that frequently these days, simply for not paying attention in retirement. (I know, I know, you're not talking about the same thing.)
The dog hates the snow? A creature after your own heart. I wonder sometimes about all the video of dogs going nuts, seeming to love the snow. Could be they're going nuts because they, too, hate or even fear it.

she loves playing in the snow, but as soon as it gets as deep as her stuff, she hates going to the bathroom.....two inches and she squats and plays. Eight inches, and she turns and looks at my wife as if it is her fault, and she has to be let out about three times. I will take a photo off the deck at daylight.

In regard to my mental decline, it actually is a physical change to my skull. All around my temples my skull has sunken. I get confused late at night now because when I wake up I just do not know what day it is and have no point of reference for what I am scheduled to do. I know hospice is here Tuesday, but when I doze off in a bit, when I awake, I will have a hard time with the date.

Realistically December 13 is the final PRRT which my wife has declared that she would prefer me not doing it because it will kill me. I have explained that death is certain, but I would like to give everything to my only chance of extended life. She agreed, but she dreads to watch the suffering. Since having the Silver Oak wine, I flushed very badly only having a half glass of wine and have felt no liver pain.....like my liver is simply gone, and when I am getting sleepy, I am crossing over to this incredible calm comforting sleep where my whole body just melts into comfort.....these are becoming more frequent, and I am sleeping more. I cannot believe I got this typed as it is the most I have posted in a week.

Comforting sleep sounds good. I'm sorry about the confusion. But let's face it... that's nothing new.

Joanimaroni wrote:Very well stated post. I agree with RLL.