time is getting short

It was good for both of you.

She enjoyed a Coulotte Steak which was 14 oz which seemed three times as big as my 9 oz filet. She boxed it and enjoyed it later. It is now a battle to get out of bed, so our strategy is to force me to leave the house and walk at least twice a day. We went to Walgreen to get passport photos and then went out to breakfast. We went to Walmart where I got a bluetooth speaker as I have gotten really tired of the sound on my laptop, and as I will be spending most of my time in the chair at the end, at least I might get a couple months of good sound. I simply wore out at Walmart and had to go sit in the car. I need to exercise and push the limit as the wasting has accelerated and the weakness is making the simple things difficult.

If this economy is booming, I do not think the average American is seeing the same. I saw houses deteriorating without exterior work, people walking with carts from town to do their shopping at Walmart and people wearing ten dollars worth of closing as they had gym shorts and bright lime green t shirts with eight buck shoes. The benefits of this economy are going to the top ten percent of Americans. Today I realized that Trump telling folks how he has made the economy the best ever is not going to sit well with Americans working two jobs and struggling.

Leaving now for a poker tourn. Hope you can rest up a little.

Leaving now for a poker tourn. Hope you can rest up a little.


I was going to play poker at Jumers, but they close the poker room on Monday and as we were staying two nights, I figured to play on Tuesday, but I was so far down on the carnival games I had to play my volume to recover. I hit quad kings on Mississippi Stud and won close to 2k, but I was nearly a thousand down, so it was with great relief I hit the big hand.

We go to Northwestern for scans, blood work, and we hope I can stop and play poker after the scans. I need to keep pushing the envelope......and really would like to go to Indiana and play, but it is unfair to my wife who mostly drives me now, and that is over an hour to my daughter's house so she would be forced to wait in the casino. She likes reading, but it is very selfish on my part if I drag her out and then after about twenty poker hands fizzle out.

You seem to be getting the volume of games which keep your competitive game sharp. My problem is my game is gone and I am the donkey at the table.

I play one or two tourns a week. This is a small casino up here so the player pool is too. I could drive a second hour to a bigger casino... but rarely do. The problem here is that the players are getting reluctant to engage me. But i show some bluffs and pick my targets to keep accumulating chips. I hope the scans and labs go well. I'll update later. Take care.

2seaoat wrote:
We went to Walgreen to get passport photos

Passport photos? Where are you going?

Passport photos? Where are you going?

The changes in the Illinois medical pot laws now require the caregiver and patient to renew annually with a photo id which is a passport photo. They did not take my photo against the wall, and I do not want to run out of my gummies right now.

In regard to traveling, I am very frail. I could maybe make it to Canada, but you used to be able to get in with your DL, but I have not been in 15 years and would be pushing the envelope. I simply want as much comfort as I become less ambulatory. I went and got a bluetooth wireless speaker for my laptop as I realized the sound of the music was very poor on the laptop, and it has been an incredible upgrade on the sound. I am playing these soothing piano mixtures which I play in the background as I surf the net, watch Espn, and get up and use the bathroom.......this will be my reality.....no passports for travel in some sunny and fun place. I doubt that Florida is possible now, but I still have two more PRRT treatments which might improve this rapid wasting and decline, but honestly like Jobs......it is too late, but damn the music is soothing in this part of the journey.

Thanks for the explanation, and I think you know I'm for all the comfort you can find, however/wherever you can find it. The music sounds wonderful and I'm so glad you treated yourself to some well-deserved decent sound. Enjoy!

Just chopped the tourn with 3 of us left. The blinds were so big that there was no skill left in the game.

They cannot get blood out of me anymore as the radiation damage to veins in my arms is pretty bad.......seven sticks and three techs trying to find a IV port for Cat Scan. I am tired. I have to go in Wed for more blood work and doc appt. to review the scans......I am very very very tired and have a birthday party sat. for oldest grandson, and my wife and I agreed they should be informed I am about done with this too late treatment course.

I'm sorry you got so beat up. I was fantastic at getting blood and starting ivs... i did it through college.

Try to hydrate well prior. It helps some.

I hydrated for two days, but this PRRT radiation is powerful stuff and the nuclear medicine nurse said they are seeing damage and difficulty getting IVs......my problem is that the cat scan nurse had my hands over my head with this strange Iv location in my forearm. She then proceeds to ram the table into the scan after I told her my elbows are going to hit and that she need to lower the bed......nope.....bam....I have no more muscle or connective tissue and it felt like somebody ripped my arm off......I was piszed.....if I said nothing a wood post could have seen the collision, but when I warned her and she rammed it in........I just could not wait to leave......knowing that I will have to do this again wed........I wanted to play poker at Elgin, Aurora, or Joliet and my wife agreed to read a book for two hours, but after getting beat up......homeward bound.

Hang in there Mr. Oats hang in there!

Ask them to call someone from anesthesia to start your IV.

Ask them to call someone from anesthesia to start your IV.

I have learned the hard way that when you have somebody who has stuck you four times and cannot get it done, not to ask for another tech. They do not like that and I suffered as the next tech made even more painful repeated and fruitless sticks. I am sending an email to the doc telling them I will not do the labs Wed., and I would like a telephone conference on the cat scans rather that driving all the way into chicago. I have become miserable to live with, and sadly Mrs. Seaoat is taking the brunt of my frustration. Being a caretaker is a thankless and sad job. Extending life with quality is an honorable course, but torturing dying patients like they are slabs of meat.......only with the goal of keeping someone alive......I question now whether such a course is logical or needed. I am going to die and NOTHING is going to stop the same, but to suffer unnecessarily is silly.

Wed appointments have been cancelled. They are doing another hour plus interview with me by phone on Oct 2.......I am the freak now who is surviving 80k hormone levels......so the research side of Northwestern will be interviewing folks who are still alive........if I can help others with these medical surveys I will, but everything has just gotten difficult, and I am NO FUN to be around right now.......I would kick the dog, but instead I have been a dick with my wife......it is just so unfair to caretakers, because I have been very positive to date, but getting ten to 15 sticks and bleeding from every arm as they fail to get an IV has me just taking back a little bit of my own dignity and saying enough for now. This may change closer to the next scheduled PRRT, but what they fail to tell you that survival with cancer when using radiation and chemo has trade offs which severely impact your quality of life, at what point does the battle become futile and one must face dying with dignity. I am far from giving up, but I will no longer be a pin cushion.

2seaoat wrote: I am far from giving up, but I will no longer be a pin cushion.

Good for you.

2seaoat wrote:I have become miserable to live with, and sadly Mrs. Seaoat is taking the brunt of my frustration.

That's indeed a sad shame, however understandable it may be. I would gently suggest trying as hard as you're possibly capable of not to take things out on her, but I realize it's easy for me to say.

Still, I do hope at the very least you're letting her know verbally that you don't like being this way and regret any hurt and pain you're causing her. Give her that to hang onto and remember, not the worst of it, is all I'm suggesting.

Am I poking my nose in, asking too much of you? Well, you're baring your soul here, so I will, too, speaking from the gentler side. Take it or leave it, as always.

I have been insufferable to live with our entire marriage, but we always had fun and were great partners in our adventures. This is different. I have seen this caustic death cycle in other family members who seem to hurt those close to them as they make their final exit. My MIL was so cruel to my BIL it still impacts him today at 70. No, that is why caretakers need a break from the patient. They need to live their lives without the constant burden which wears them down. I still can make her laugh.....and I guess If I do not lose my sense of humor, this will go better, but that is easy when you feel no pain, but entirely a different animal otherwise.

2seaoat wrote: If I do not lose my sense of humor, this will go better, but that is easy when you feel no pain, but entirely a different animal otherwise.

Absolutely so, and I'm sure I don't know the half of your pain.

I spoke with my oncologists PA in a telephone conference instead of our scheduled appointment which I had cancelled. Bad news. My abdomen is filling with fluids, and all my tumors had some small growth. She feels the tumors are mostly stable except one on my collarbone which has become painful at times. They have agreed to let me hold off on the labs until October 17th right before the third PRRT treatment. If I live that long, I will do the treatment, but I am so tired of the whole IV thing........there is a point you simply have to say....enough, and sadly the PA who I have kept laughing for seven years was noticeably sad in our conversations. I sent the research survey back to the Northwestern medical school folks......so much of the survey is dealing with the psychology of fighting a losing battle with a slow cancer which can take you any time. I let them know I am very happy to still be here and there is no illusion or tooth fairy who is going to make things better. Life in all its turns is beautiful.

Your optimism has kept you strong as well as the others around you.

Your optimism has kept you strong as well as the others around you.


It is just very hard right now. My granddaughter called and wanted to know if I would be at the birthday party for my grandson, I told her yes. The problem is my wife is unable to make the party because she had a business responsibility all day Saturday and will be unable to drive me to the party. So I drive for the first time in three weeks. The kids are very aware of my decline now.....it is very sad despite my attempts to keep everybody laughing.....to watch their faces. I have to be very upbeat around the grandkids, but honestly it is so difficult to keep this up. At some point I do not want them to see the end, and we are near that point. I could not be happier that I made it to his birthday. Each day is a blessing.

In the end... we're just the memories we leave behind. Best wishes on making the party.

I am now below 200 lbs.  I have not weighed this little since my senior year in high school.  I am steadily losing strength, and now completely understand what my surgeon said about me passing after September.  He said I would become to weak to get out of bed, would fall into a coma, and would pass within three days of the same.  However, my eyes are really clear.  I am not seeing any jaundice despite the liver failing.  This is encouraging if I can make the third PRRT, because the PA said all four treatments will show some improvement......but from what.  I have debated to show a photo of what is left of my chest and shoulders, but it is disturbing and I do not want gross folks out as this journey has been educational and not meant to be a horror show.

I have been working the bobcat for two days.  I have to crawl up into the cab as my ability to just pull my self up with handles has passed.  The four floods this year have made a mess of the islands and I need to repair the causeways before I pass because my wife will not be able to do the same.