Some quotes for today

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. Albert Einstein

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.~ John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real
but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson


I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
~ Warren Tantum ~

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters

WC Fields

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.



I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.


I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.



Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.


It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. “I’m looking for a loop-hole,” he explained.

Secretary: “It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.”
WC Fields: “Yes it is, very hard. It’s almost impossible.”

Charlie McCarthy: “Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?”
WC Fields: “He’d think I was a sissy.”

Hangman: “Have you any last wish?”
WC Fields: “Yes, I’d like to see Paris before I die.” (pause) “Philadelphia will do.”