Spend a buck-fitty per straw (instead of around a penny) to own those stupid libs!
The pettiness of the conservative mind is something that really ought to be studied. Remember when John Kerry was running for president and, since his wife was part of the Heinz family, the Republicans came out with "W Ketchup"?
Sorry you can't buy it anymore, but they do remain maybe the only ketchup with crazy apocalyptic screeds on their website:
The enemies are inside the gates—and what gates there were are thrown down by traitors within our midst, by Obama. The time draws nigh when all men will be called upon to decide whether to stand with our founding fathers by risking their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to preserve the delicate flower that is liberty or whether to slink back to that darkness Christ met, when the whole world lay in bondage, when man’s only purpose was to serve Caesar.
This is the challenge our birthright and our duty compel us to meet. It is for this terrible calling that we take leave of W Ketchup.
Too bad. I bet they could really show those liberals how stupid they are by sucking up W Ketchup through a Trump straw.
Anyway, I know, it seems kind of obnoxious to ban plastic straws because it seems like they'd do such little harm to the environment (at least, until you get a look at the garbage patches in the ocean), but still, it's just childishly spiteful to deliberately trash up the place. Or so it seems to me, but that's what I get for thinkin'.
But, like I said, the spitefulness of conservative mind is a truly amazing thing. Ever heard of "rolling coal"? Rolling coal is where idiots will fuck up the engines of their diesel pickups so they will use more gas and create more black smoke... all because pollution "pisses off the libs." Morons spend a lot of money getting these modifications done, wreck their gas mileage, foul their points, and get tickets (it's not legal and fines are pretty high), all so they can giggle at making more smoke to wreck the environment that a lot of 'em like to go hunting and fishing in.
Gaze in wonder at these chuckleheads:
You can rest assured them boys gone be buyin' 'emselves bales full of them Trump straws and just flingin' 'em into the ocean 'n' gigglin' like somebody pooted in church! Just like they had themselves a good ol' smart-fella time when they went out and bought expensive Keurig machines so they could smash 'em to own the libs. And 'cuz they obey Sean Hannity because he's one of their L. Ron Hubbards. (Unlike Scientology, the conservative cult has lots of leaders their devotees slavishly follow and obey. What's the fun of being a grown-up without a preacher and a bunch of daddy-figures on the radio and FOX News to tell you what to do?).
They also burn their shoes, which is pretty funny. https://pjmedia.com/trending/conservatives-burn-shoes-after-nike-makes-colin-kaepernick-face-of-just-do-it-campaign/ And I know of a few who talked their kids out of going to college, all because they think it's full of "liberal indoctrination" (like sayin' the Earth's over 6,000 years old and ain't flat -- all that crazy Commie-talk like that). Gonna own the libs by workin' at Burger King 'til ya die!
Spite, spite, spite! It's fun. If we could only convince them that hitting themselves in the crotch with a hammer would "own the libs," we'd be set.
Meanwhile, the price of MAGA hats is going up because of Trump's tariffs on China, where a lot of 'em are made -- https://www.inquisitr.com/4986346/maga-hats-will-now-cost-more-trumps-chinese-tariffs/
Anyway, just wanted to make sure y'all all knew we were getting show up for a bunch of idiot libtards by some-a them smart Trump fans. I'd hate for 'em to spend a dollar and a half for a one-cent straw and not get some credit for it!
I sometimes wonder if Trump isn't trolling his own supporters with things like this. They suck and they're suckers, so... sell 'em straws.